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This article was co-written by Lauren Urban, LCSW. Lauren Urban is a psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York with over 13 years of experience in child, family, couple, and individual therapy. She received her master’s degree in social work from Hunter University in 2006, specializing in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients to help them overcome drug and alcohol addiction.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 13,111 times.
Choosing a life partner — the person you want to spend the rest of your life with — is one of the most important decisions in your life. Living close to the person you love is a joyful and satisfying experience for both parties, but finding and choosing the right person can be a huge task. Luckily, it’s something that many people have to go through, so you’re not alone. In the US, people who have never been married and never want to get married make up only 5% of the total population. [1] X Source of Research Needing to identify the right type of person for you, be determined to find that person, and commit to your relationship, you can completely share your life with the person you love.
Steps
Set Your Priority
- In the US, most people want to have children, [2] X Source of research but that doesn’t mean the whole world is like that, so never confirm your mate’s decision until you already know for sure.
- Let’s be clear, people from different religious and cultural backgrounds can still have happy lifelong relationships. For example, in the US, interracial couples are more common than ever. [3] X Research Sources
- Consider for example the financial decisions couples will have to make: one couple, one wants to spend their late 20s and early 30s traveling and exploring the world, the other wants to spend their late 20s and early 30s traveling and exploring the world. If you want to spend this time building a successful career and saving money to buy a house, it’s hard for both of you to realize your plans.
- For example, for couples who already have children, it is very important to have a parent who is responsible for taking care of the child all day. For many other couples, hiring a maid is an ACCEPTANCE idea. Similarly, some people may want to live with their parents and visit often, while others may want more freedom.
- For example, if there is a couple in which one person likes to watch professional wrestling shows on Monday nights and the other likes to watch nature documentaries with the same show time, there is still a solution to that case. solve the problem (especially if they agree to buy a video recorder). But if one person wants to buy a home while the other doesn’t, or if one wants to be liberal and the other doesn’t, that’s a huge obstacle to long-term happiness.
Determining the Ideal Spouse
- Most importantly, love yourself , your flaws and all you are. You can’t expect someone to love you if you can’t love yourself. If you are trying to have a lifelong relationship while you have a negative view of yourself, you will only destroy yourself and hurt those close to you, so take this as First you need to prioritize before you continue looking for your life partner.
- Do I want to have children?
- Where do I want to live?
- Do I want to work or take care of the house (or both)?
- Do I want my relationship to be unique?
- What do I want to achieve before I die?
- What lifestyle do I want?
- What have you liked about your partner?
- What did you like to do the most with your partner?
- Have you ever disagreed with your partner about something?
- Have you ever criticized your partner for something?
- What has your partner criticized you for?
- Why did that relationship fall apart?
- You will have to consider asking a lot of questions about all aspects of lifestyle choices. For example, do they smoke, drink alcohol or take drugs? Do they have any horribly bad qualities? Are they supportive and understanding if you want to change or grow your career?
- Be clear, these types of questions don’t necessarily have to be asked on the first date. Asking personal questions in the first place can be transformative, sabotaging your efforts to start a relationship. However, lifestyle questions are questions you should know the answers to in the first six months of dating.
Creating a Path for Relationships
- For example, it’s OK if you ask the other party (in a polite way, of course) to take out the trash — this is a good time to strike a compromise. However, it’s NOT OK if you expect your partner to suddenly decide to have children if they’re not ready yet — this is purely a personal decision that cannot be rationally discussed.
- For example, it’s OK if you dress better than you normally would for the first few dates, but you shouldn’t pretend to be an agnostic when in fact you follow a particular religion only. Make your date fun. Misleading your partner about who you are — whether by lying or not disclosing enough information about yourself — is an act of deception that is hard for many to ignore.
- You may also want to see if the person can get along with your loved ones (and vice versa). Take them to dates and introduce them to your friends and family. If your partner can get along with those people, you’ll have one more reason not to worry.
- You absolutely don’t want to get too involved with your potential mate until you really get to know that person. While it’s still possible for a casual relationship to turn into a serious one, physical intimacy is not the basis for lasting happiness. While sexual attraction and harmony are key to a good long-term relationship, waiting allows you to better understand whether you and your partner are compatible.
- When it’s time to make sacrifices for a good relationship, little things like small personal habits should be the things to sacrifice. However, you should not sacrifice your important life goals as sacrifices, because when there is a serious disagreement about one of your life goals, it is a sign that the two of you not get along with. For example, deciding to drink less with friends is a reasonable sacrifice if you have a wife and children. On the other hand, deciding not to have children when you desperately want to have children is not something you should sacrifice.
Find The Right Person
- Most dating experts would recommend taking the initiative to date. Some even rank it on a par with a career, which requires an investment of time and effort! [5] X Research Sources
- Even isolated hobbies offer many opportunities to meet new people! Do you like reading manga and playing video games? Join a group! Do you like to draw? Let’s open an exhibition! Do you love writing? Join a writer’s workshop! There are lots of fun activities for every interest, so start looking now!
- Plus, confidence is also considered a charm! [6] X Source Fearless confidence is a prominent quality that makes you more attractive to potential people: the more confident you are on dates, the more comfortable you are around them, Have a good time, and the more confident you will be with the next appointment.
Advice
- Find out what I like, what I don’t like, what my priorities are, and what my greatest values are. Your partner may not have exactly the same views as you but make sure they at least respect & accept them.
- The key to a successful relationship is easy – it’s humor and honesty. Without those things, you have nothing.
- Never allow anyone to abuse you, either verbally or physically… it’s unacceptable and you must get away as quickly as possible.
This article was co-written by Lauren Urban, LCSW. Lauren Urban is a psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York with over 13 years of experience in child, family, couple, and individual therapy. She received her master’s degree in social work from Hunter University in 2006, specializing in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients to help them overcome drug and alcohol addiction.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 13,111 times.
Choosing a life partner — the person you want to spend the rest of your life with — is one of the most important decisions in your life. Living close to the person you love is a joyful and satisfying experience for both parties, but finding and choosing the right person can be a huge task. Luckily, it’s something that many people have to go through, so you’re not alone. In the US, people who have never been married and never want to get married make up only 5% of the total population. [1] X Source of Research Needing to identify the right type of person for you, be determined to find that person, and commit to your relationship, you can completely share your life with the person you love.
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