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This article was co-written by Lauren Urban, LCSW. Lauren Urban is a psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York with over 13 years of experience in child, family, couple, and individual therapy. She received her master’s degree in social work from Hunter University in 2006, specializing in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients to help them overcome drug and alcohol addiction.
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Choosing a life partner — the person you want to spend the rest of your life with — is one of the most important decisions in your life. Living close to the person you love is a joyful and satisfying experience for both parties, but finding and choosing the right person can be a huge task. Luckily, it’s something that many people have to go through, so you’re not alone. In the US, people who have never been married and never want to get married make up only 5% of the total population. [1] X Source of Research Needing to identify the right type of person for you, be determined to find that person, and commit to your relationship, you can completely share your life with the person you love.
Steps
Set Your Priority
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Decide if you want to have children. This decision is extremely important — perhaps the most important decision you will ever make with your partner. What’s surprising, though, is that more and more couples don’t discuss the issue thoroughly before attempting to commit to a lifelong relationship. Raising a child can be the happiest thing you’ll ever do, but it’s also a huge responsibility, a solid financial commitment, a decision that takes at least 18 years (or more) of direct responsibility. with the child, so this is not an issue to be taken lightly.
- In the US, most people want to have children, [2] X Source of research but that doesn’t mean the whole world is like that, so never confirm your mate’s decision until you already know for sure.
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Decide how important culture and religion are to you. For many people cultural and religious traditions are an important part of their lives — others are agnostic or atheist or adhere to unorthodox traditions or cultures. Both people’s lifestyles are equal, but for some mates, being in a relationship with someone with opposing views is not a viable option in the long run. Before you commit to someone, you need to honestly determine whether your partner values having a partner of the same culture and religion.
- Let’s be clear, people from different religious and cultural backgrounds can still have happy lifelong relationships. For example, in the US, interracial couples are more common than ever. [3] X Research Sources
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Decide how you want to spend your money. Money is a difficult topic to talk about, but it is very important in the life of two people together. Money can play an important role in a couple’s lifestyle — it can determine how long a person has worked, what their occupation is, what their lifestyle is, and much more. Talking candidly about your savings and spending plans is important for anyone considering a lifelong relationship.
- Consider for example the financial decisions couples will have to make: one couple, one wants to spend their late 20s and early 30s traveling and exploring the world, the other wants to spend their late 20s and early 30s traveling and exploring the world. If you want to spend this time building a successful career and saving money to buy a house, it’s hard for both of you to realize your plans.
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Decide how you want your partner to fit into your family (and vice versa). Our families shape the way we think and behave throughout our lives. Having a clear vision of how you want your partner to fit into your family is a must for anyone thinking about spending the rest of their lives with someone. You will want to know your partner’s and your own role in your extended family (eg, your parents, siblings, relatives, etc.). Conversely, your spouse should also have a clear direction for you.
- For example, for couples who already have children, it is very important to have a parent who is responsible for taking care of the child all day. For many other couples, hiring a maid is an ACCEPTANCE idea. Similarly, some people may want to live with their parents and visit often, while others may want more freedom.
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Decide what kind of lifestyle you want. This is an important decision, but luckily your partner will quickly define their lifestyle once you’ve started spending significant time with them. You and your partner should have compatible ideas about how to make the most of your free time, how you want to socialize with friends, and pursue activities that make you feel good. You don’t have to like everything the same as your partner, but you also shouldn’t disagree on things that require consensus or big commitment.
- For example, if there is a couple in which one person likes to watch professional wrestling shows on Monday nights and the other likes to watch nature documentaries with the same show time, there is still a solution to that case. solve the problem (especially if they agree to buy a video recorder). But if one person wants to buy a home while the other doesn’t, or if one wants to be liberal and the other doesn’t, that’s a huge obstacle to long-term happiness.
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Decide where you want to live. Sometimes, location is the key to two people’s happiness. People often want to live near friends, close relatives, or live in places where they can participate in certain activities. If both people are not satisfied living in the same place, then it is likely that they will (at least) spend a lot of time commuting.
Determining the Ideal Spouse
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Be realistic about yourself. The journey of finding a life partner begins with you ! To know who is the best fit for you, you have to know exactly who you are. What I like and don’t like, what I’m good at and what I’m bad at. Determine how you want your life to be and what you want from your partner. Be realistic and honest with yourself. If you’re having a hard time getting to know yourself, try asking close friends for help.
- Most importantly, love yourself , your flaws and all you are. You can’t expect someone to love you if you can’t love yourself. If you are trying to have a lifelong relationship while you have a negative view of yourself, you will only destroy yourself and hurt those close to you, so take this as First you need to prioritize before you continue looking for your life partner.
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Determine your life goals. Two people living together need to be on the same page in most major life decisions (if not all). Disagreements over a major issue, as well as non-negotiables in life, can derail a relationship even then when two people are still in perfect harmony. Be open and honest about your goals — trying to deceive yourself can disappoint you in the long run and also be unfair to your partner. For more discussion on this topic, see the Priorities section below. Here are a few important questions you’ll need to answer before choosing a life partner:
- Do I want to have children?
- Where do I want to live?
- Do I want to work or take care of the house (or both)?
- Do I want my relationship to be unique?
- What do I want to achieve before I die?
- What lifestyle do I want?
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Learn from your past relationships. If you’re having trouble determining what you want from your partner or what you want out of your life, rethink the relationships you’ve had. The choices you’ve made in your relationship, consciously or unconsciously, can help hint at the qualities you’re looking for in your partner and even the qualities you’re looking for. It takes effort to maintain a long-term relationship. Here are some questions you need to consider about your previous relationships:
- What have you liked about your partner?
- What did you like to do the most with your partner?
- Have you ever disagreed with your partner about something?
- Have you ever criticized your partner for something?
- What has your partner criticized you for?
- Why did that relationship fall apart?
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Ask lots of questions when you’re in the early stages of a relationship. When you meet and start dating someone new, tell them about themselves. Ask them what they like about a partner, what their goals in life are, and what their long-term plans are. Ethnicity, interests, spiritual views and even diet are all important in long-term harmony, so don’t be afraid to ask about any of them!
- You will have to consider asking a lot of questions about all aspects of lifestyle choices. For example, do they smoke, drink alcohol or take drugs? Do they have any horribly bad qualities? Are they supportive and understanding if you want to change or grow your career?
- Be clear, these types of questions don’t necessarily have to be asked on the first date. Asking personal questions in the first place can be transformative, sabotaging your efforts to start a relationship. However, lifestyle questions are questions you should know the answers to in the first six months of dating.
Creating a Path for Relationships
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Let go of all expectations. When you’re trying to maintain a relationship, don’t expect the other person to be someone they’re not. Some people may compromise on important issues and even change themselves a little for the other’s sake, but deep down most people are who they are. Avoid fantasizing about your partner or ascribing to them qualities they lack. Likewise, don’t expect them to change the inherent qualities in people that have won you over.
- For example, it’s OK if you ask the other party (in a polite way, of course) to take out the trash — this is a good time to strike a compromise. However, it’s NOT OK if you expect your partner to suddenly decide to have children if they’re not ready yet — this is purely a personal decision that cannot be rationally discussed.
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Be honest about who you really are. As long as you’re not trying to hide or change any of the other’s inherent qualities, you need to treat yourself the same way. When you’re dating, it’s possible that you’ll exaggerate facts about your past or current state to attract your partner. However, that only brings guilt to you and can also be the cause of many obstacles. When someone else accidentally learns the truth, the level of trust in the relationship can be seriously affected. [4] X Research Sources
- For example, it’s OK if you dress better than you normally would for the first few dates, but you shouldn’t pretend to be an agnostic when in fact you follow a particular religion only. Make your date fun. Misleading your partner about who you are — whether by lying or not disclosing enough information about yourself — is an act of deception that is hard for many to ignore.
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Spend more time with your potential mate. This is the best way to determine whether you should spend a lot of time with someone? Experiment To see if a relationship can last, you need to spend a lot of time with them (ideally in a variety of circumstances). If you can stand being with that person for a few days, weeks, or months, you may have picked the right person to keep in your life.
- You may also want to see if the person can get along with your loved ones (and vice versa). Take them to dates and introduce them to your friends and family. If your partner can get along with those people, you’ll have one more reason not to worry.
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Please take the time to spare. You’re looking for someone who can be with you for the rest of your life, so there’s no reason to rush. Give your relationship a chance to mature naturally. Don’t depend on arbitrary plans for developments through events that mark your relationship as fast-moving , staying together, and getting married. If you rush to make a decision, you could end up in a situation you weren’t prepared for, where you’ll have to be with someone who may or may not be on the same page as you on many of your life’s priorities. Friend.
- You absolutely don’t want to get too involved with your potential mate until you really get to know that person. While it’s still possible for a casual relationship to turn into a serious one, physical intimacy is not the basis for lasting happiness. While sexual attraction and harmony are key to a good long-term relationship, waiting allows you to better understand whether you and your partner are compatible.
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Pay attention to how you behave when you’re around your partner. If you find yourself acting , pretending to show emotions that are different from what you really feel, or laughing at things you think are not funny, it could be a sign that you are not really feeling comfortable. when you’re with that person. However, if you feel relaxed and completely natural in your partner’s presence, you’ve picked the right person. It’s extremely important to feel like yourself when you’re with your partner. In the end, everyone gets tired of acting — you wouldn’t want that to happen to you after five years of marriage.
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Be ready to make sacrifices. No relationship is perfect. There will be times when you feel like you have to sacrifice your own needs for the sake of the other person. It all depends on your decision how much you’re willing to sacrifice — most good relationships involve fair give-and-take sacrifices on both sides.
- When it’s time to make sacrifices for a good relationship, little things like small personal habits should be the things to sacrifice. However, you should not sacrifice your important life goals as sacrifices, because when there is a serious disagreement about one of your life goals, it is a sign that the two of you not get along with. For example, deciding to drink less with friends is a reasonable sacrifice if you have a wife and children. On the other hand, deciding not to have children when you desperately want to have children is not something you should sacrifice.
Find The Right Person
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Be proactive. There’s always someone out there for you — and all you need to do is go find that person. If you’re not trying to meet new people, experience new things, or even move house, there’s very little chance you’ll ever find the right person. So if you’re looking for a life partner, start by getting up and getting out! Try to spend at least part of your free time participating in interesting community events, meeting new people, generally getting out of your own world.
- Most dating experts would recommend taking the initiative to date. Some even rank it on a par with a career, which requires an investment of time and effort! [5] X Research Sources
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Meet people who enjoy doing the activities you love. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to spend every Friday night in a loud, expensive club to meet a date, or you don’t have to wear a suit. Great clothes, liberal personality, style like HPlywood. These ways may work for some , but most people can still successfully find a life partner simply by engaging in activities they enjoy. When you participate in activities you enjoy, you will meet people with similar interests and views as you, thereby leading to a natural harmony between the two of you.
- Even isolated hobbies offer many opportunities to meet new people! Do you like reading manga and playing video games? Join a group! Do you like to draw? Let’s open an exhibition! Do you love writing? Join a writer’s workshop! There are lots of fun activities for every interest, so start looking now!
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Be yourself. You’re looking for someone you can spend the rest of your life with, so it makes perfect sense that if you already see the other as a potential mate, both of you should be open to being yourself when you’re with each other. In fact, a lot of people aren’t ready to fully open up until they’ve really gotten to know the other person. If you disagree with this idea, try being yourself at each stage of the relationship: ask them out, date them, get to know each other better, commit to each other, and beyond. ! This way, you’re giving the other person a chance to love you for who you really are , rather than making them wait until you feel comfortable being yourself.
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Do not be afraid. The road to finding a life partner can be arduous. It can seem like there are times when you feel like there’s no hope of finding the right person for you, especially if you’ve just had to go through difficult love affairs. Whatever you do, never give up hope or fear that you won’t find anyone. Everyone in the world faces the same difficulties in love affairs similar to what you are going through. Everyone has their own sadness from time to time. There is no absolute way to help you find your life partner, so never judge yourself against other people or other couples. Don’t let negative thoughts distract you from finding your own life partner. Confidence, fearlessness, and consistency are the keys to finding the right person for you!
- Plus, confidence is also considered a charm! [6] X Source Fearless confidence is a prominent quality that makes you more attractive to potential people: the more confident you are on dates, the more comfortable you are around them, Have a good time, and the more confident you will be with the next appointment.
Advice
- Find out what I like, what I don’t like, what my priorities are, and what my greatest values are. Your partner may not have exactly the same views as you but make sure they at least respect & accept them.
- The key to a successful relationship is easy – it’s humor and honesty. Without those things, you have nothing.
- Never allow anyone to abuse you, either verbally or physically… it’s unacceptable and you must get away as quickly as possible.
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This article was co-written by Lauren Urban, LCSW. Lauren Urban is a psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York with over 13 years of experience in child, family, couple, and individual therapy. She received her master’s degree in social work from Hunter University in 2006, specializing in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients to help them overcome drug and alcohol addiction.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
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Choosing a life partner — the person you want to spend the rest of your life with — is one of the most important decisions in your life. Living close to the person you love is a joyful and satisfying experience for both parties, but finding and choosing the right person can be a huge task. Luckily, it’s something that many people have to go through, so you’re not alone. In the US, people who have never been married and never want to get married make up only 5% of the total population. [1] X Source of Research Needing to identify the right type of person for you, be determined to find that person, and commit to your relationship, you can completely share your life with the person you love.
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