How to Chat with Friends

Chat is the foundation of most relationships between friends. Whether you’re chatting or talking about serious topics, conversations will help you connect with friends, get to know each other better, and build mutual trust. If you’re having a close conversation, repeat the friend’s personal details and ask about them. If you are talking about an important topic, take the initiative to help and support them. No matter what, be an active listener and let your friend know that you are with them.

Table of Contents

Friendly chat

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Say “hello” when you meet them. Nodding, smiling, and waving at them are all friendly gestures, but they won’t start a conversation. Say “hello” when you meet a friend in the hallway or around the house. This will give you the opportunity to start a friendly conversation. ^{[1] X Research Source}

Continue to interact with them sincerely, asking how they’ve been doing lately. Even if you can’t chat for long, show them that you really care about them as a friend.

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Recall personal details during a conversation. Think about the stories your friend told you. Did their favorite band just release a new album? Did they just go away to visit their parents? Repeat details and ask them about them to show that you listened when they spoke. ^{[2] X Research Source}

For example, if your friend has just returned from a trip, say something like, “How was your vacation on Aruba? Tell me.”

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Maintain a balanced dialogue. Overwhelming a conversation is rude, but you shouldn’t leave someone alone, either. Instead, try to maintain balance. After offering an opinion or asking a question, you should give your audience a chance to respond. Likewise, when they ask you something, give an informative answer. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

If you don’t understand something, don’t be afraid to ask them to explain. For example, if they ask you about a movie you haven’t seen, don’t just answer, “I haven’t.” Continue with this statement, “That sounds interesting. Tell me more.”

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Consider the amount of personal information you disclose. Don’t be in a hurry to share too much information. Friendship building is a long-term process based on mutual trust. Each time you talk, slowly share a little more information about yourself. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

For example, don’t immediately talk about problems in your romantic relationship. Start with less personal topics and share more personal information as the friendship progresses.
Balance what you share with what your friend is willing to share. If you really want to talk about personal secrets, but they only want to talk about their pet cat, respect that and wait until you trust each other more to reveal your secrets.
Similarly, if a friend is sharing more than you’d like to hear, tell them, “I’m not sure I’m the right person for you to talk about it.”

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Maintain an open and approachable posture. In addition to the topic of conversation, a friendly conversation also needs other elements. Maintain friendly body language by leaning forward slightly, keeping your shoulders open, not crossing your arms over your chest, and making eye contact. This shows that you are open and easy to talk to. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

Don’t lean forward so much that it invades their personal space. The purpose of leaning slightly towards the other person is to show your interest, not to lean towards them so much that it makes them uncomfortable.

Discuss difficult topics

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Let your friends know that they are not alone. You may not understand exactly what they are going through, but you can still let them know that you are there to help. Reassure them that they are not alone, and that you are there to listen and provide support if they need it. ^{[6] X Research Sources}

Sometimes it helps to share a story about a time when you were having a hard time and asked for help. This lets them know that everyone has hard times and that it’s okay to ask for help.

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Ask open-ended questions. Asking the right questions will not only help you better understand the problem your friend is going through, but it will also help them confide in. Try to ask open-ended questions that encourage them to talk about their thoughts and feelings instead of digging into details. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

A question like “How are you feeling?” giving friends more opportunities to express their feelings, instead of asking “Are you crazy?”

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Avoid judging them. Your friend will need a lot of courage to ask for help, especially if they have done something to embarrass them. Listen to what they have to say without judging. You don’t have to agree with what they’re saying or doing, but remember that everyone makes mistakes. Listen and understand that your friend makes mistakes just like everyone else. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

Avoid criticizing their behavior. If a friend has cheated on an exam, don’t judge them as an individual student. Instead, say something like, “Math is hard. Instead of cheating next time, let’s do our homework together so I can tutor you, okay?”

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Encourage them to seek help. If your friend needs support to get through a difficult time, encourage them to seek help. Perhaps they are afraid and feel lonely when they have to ask others for help alone. Go with them or help them find solutions. This helps them understand that they are not alone and that it is okay to ask for help during difficult times. ^{[9] X Research Source}

For example, if a friend is suffering from depression, they may be anxious to talk to a therapist. Offer to help them find a few therapists in their area who specialize in helping people with depression.

Become an active listener

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Support your friends if they don’t want to chat. If a depressed or distressed friend says they don’t want to talk about their feelings right now, it can upset you. Even though you want to be a good friend and help them, you won’t be able to do anything if they won’t open up. It’s difficult, but the best thing you can do in these situations is to let them have their own space. ^{[10] X Trusted Source National Alliance on Mental Illness Go to Source}

Say something like, “Okay. I won’t force you if you don’t want to talk. You just need to know that I’m always here if you need someone to listen.”
There are many reasons why a friend is not available to talk to. Maybe they’re not sure how they feel about it. Maybe they’re trying to forget. Maybe they feel uncomfortable talking about it. Don’t think it’s your problem. Please respect them.

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Practice active listening. Active listening includes skills you can use to show that you care and are interested in what your friend is sharing. It is based on the ability to maintain relaxed body language, avoid making unnecessary judgments or advice, and show interest in what the other person is saying. ^{[11] X Trusted Source Greater Good in Action Go to Source}

Occasionally summarize what the other person has to say. This helps them know that you are listening to them.
Sympathize. Empathy is very important in active listening. If a friend has negative feelings towards you or someone else, acknowledge these feelings instead of being suspicious.
For example, if they’re under pressure at work, listen until they’re done talking. Then, summarize and show empathy by saying something like, “I know you’re under a lot of pressure right now, and I understand that this kind of workload can lead to stress.”

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Avoid interrupting. Perhaps you have questions as they speak or they remind you of your story. However, avoid interrupting when a friend is speaking. This shows that you respect what they want to share. ^{[12] X Research Source}

If there’s something you really want to talk about but the other person is still talking, make a note of it. You can keep it in your head, or write down a few words on a piece of paper to remind you of your point.

Advice

Be honest when you talk to your friends. You don’t have to agree with them or go along with them to be approachable. You just need to respect them when expressing your own opinion.

Steps

Friendly chat

Discuss difficult topics

Become an active listener

Advice

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