How to Chat with an Ex

Building a relationship is hard, and breaking up is even harder. After a breakup, there are many reasons why you should consider talking to your ex. It may be that you want to maintain your friendship with your partner even if the relationship between the two of you cannot develop. Perhaps the two of you have children together, and this means that you should at least discuss childcare issues with your partner. Maybe even because you want to try to get back together. But before you start calling or texting, it’s a good idea to take a moment to think about why. Whatever they are, there are quite a few steps that can help you communicate with your ex smoothly.

Table of Contents

Think about your reasons

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Ask yourself why you want to talk to your ex. There are probably quite a few reasons why you feel like you want or need to communicate with your partner. And there are also many things that you need to consider. Do you want to talk to that person because you haven’t contacted each other for a long time? Or are you two maintaining a friendship and now you want to ask your partner to keep more distance? Or do you have to talk because the kids are involved? Take some time to think about why you want to talk to your ex to make sure this is what you really want to do. ^{[1] X Research Source}

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Avoid contacting the person just to complain. Although their love story has ended, at some point, this love has also brought good things. Constantly whining and rekindling the pain won’t help you solve the problem, and it won’t help your relationship if you’re trying to maintain a friendship with the person. ^{[2] X Research Source}

If you have children with an ex, you should also think about the impact complaining will have on them. You don’t want your kids to see you as the bad guy who complains all the time.

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Be frank. Should not be roundabout. If you need to discuss something important with that person, you should tell them directly. Do not insinuate or say passive sentences, be clear and honest. Mention any possible boundaries you need (e.g., text/do not text, email/don’t email, etc.). ^{[3] X Research Sources}

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Avoid sending false messages. Are you looking for a casual relationship that only involves sex? Although your ex would be a good candidate for this position, it is possible that he or she still harbors feelings for you. Trying to start a new relationship with your partner without setting clear expectations will only make it worse for both of you. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

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Do not use your ex as a spiritual support. It’s easy to lean on someone you know when you’re lonely or desperate. You may think that your ex is the best place to help you relax. However, you should be careful not to see that person as your emotional support. You should reach out to friends and other sources of support. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

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It is important to remember clearly why both of you broke up. Regardless of your decision (to talk to your ex or not), you should remember that the two of you broke up for a reason. If you think there might be a way to go about it, be realistic. One more date won’t make the person a new person. And promises of change on both sides are often meaningless. ^{[6] X Research Sources}

Contact

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Probe. It’s probably been quite a while since the two of them last contacted each other. Many things have changed for that person, and for you. You should consider starting conservatively, perhaps through social media. You can send your lover a text or email and share about the positive things that have happened to you since you last talked. Should not be overused; you should just keep it short, simple and friendly. Allow the person the opportunity to express intimacy with you. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

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Offer to do something together. If the person responds and seems interested in talking more, you should suggest meeting in a place you both used to love and have positive memories of. Offer them a variety of options and ask them which one they prefer. ^{[8] X Research Resources} If the person cannot meet you in person, or does not live close to where you live, you should arrange to speak with them over the phone. Ask when he or she is free so you can call. By planning ahead, you can avoid not being able to contact them because of a busy schedule. ^{[9] X Research Source}

For example, did the two of you ever meet at a coffee shop where you both have only positive memories? Or at some park or bakery that has nothing to do with you and your ex? You should choose places like these for your first meeting so as not to hinder the progress of the relationship.
If you and your partner have a lot of conflict but need to meet to talk, for example about children, a public place will be quite suitable to encourage both of you to control your emotions.
Skype is also an inexpensive and very easy way to stay in touch when the two are quite far apart (or even quite close). As long as the two of you have a computer or tablet with an internet connection, you should be able to use Skype. And for Skype, you don’t have to use the camera if you don’t want to.

Talk

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Consider your personal communication style. Everyone has a slightly different communication style. They can affect your ex’s ability to understand what you say. If you understand your own conversational style, you can become more aware of how others understand your words. This will help you avoid misunderstandings and conflicts, and it will also help you change your style if you know your partner won’t react well. ^{[13] X Research Source} For example, if you usually talk things out in a frank way, but your ex is a panicky person, you might want to reduce your frankness, at least for the time being. at first.

People who communicate in a friendly way tend to love cooperation. When they need to make a decision, they often gather opinions from many different people before coming to a conclusion. This means that they often listen to what the other person has to offer and consider it before making a decision.
Competitive communicators love power and domination. They tend to make their own decisions without cooperation. They are often assertive (but not aggressive), direct, and sometimes defiant to those who disagree with them.
Direct communicators are exactly what their name suggests – direct. They speak bluntly, and without roundabouts. If they want something, they will tell you. If you don’t like something, they’ll let you know. Straightforwardness allows others to quickly get to know them. Usually, they won’t be vague about what they want. Sometimes, people who talk too directly are seen as compulsive or aggressive.
Indirect communicators have difficulty communicating their thoughts, wants, or needs to others. They often make suggestions about what they hope others will understand. This type of communication often creates a lot of confusion and misunderstanding, but at the same time, it also helps you appear less aggressive.

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Become an active listener. Listening is an important part of the communication process. Being aware of what your ex is saying (what he or she is saying AND what they mean) counts as active listening. Active listening is even more important in the face of any distractions you may encounter during a conversation. The sound of the phone ringing, the honking of the car, the sound of the TV, the sound of other people arguing, etc., all factors can cause you to stop focusing on the person and divert your attention elsewhere. There are quite a few specific things you can do to train yourself to be a good listener. ^{[14] X Research Source}

Repeat and summarize the other person’s words. You can repeat using words that help clarify and simplify the meaning. This way, the other person will realize that you are paying attention, and they will know if you really understood what they were trying to say.
- For example, you could say: “I heard you say that you want the kids to come over to your house every other week, not every other week. Right?”.
Do not interrupt. If the person is trying to say something, you can show interest by looking them in the eye, and nodding or saying short sentences to encourage them to continue. Allow the person to say whatever they want to say without forcing them to stop or cut off their train of thought. This includes the act of keeping silent when the other person is thinking or trying to find the right words to express.
Ask a question. If you don’t understand or want to clarify something, just ask. If you feel like your ex has only lightly expressed your thoughts or feelings, you should ask questions to get them to explain in more detail.
- Try to use open-ended questions, instead of pleadings. For example: “How do you think we will interact in the future?”
Acknowledge the person’s feelings. You need to empathize with everything they say. If the situation they’re discussing sounds frustrating, tell them they look frustrated. Tell them what might make them feel better for opening up to you. If the person has just told you about a really difficult problem that they can’t get over, you should thank them for sharing with you.

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Keep the conversation open. You should make sure that your active communication and listening skills don’t ruin what your ex wants to say. This factor is especially important if one of the reasons why you two broke up was due to lack of communication or poor communication. If the communication style you used before doesn’t work, you need to try a new style, otherwise you won’t be able to continue. There are many things that you should avoid when talking to your partner. ^{[15] X Research Source}

Don’t ask too many why questions – especially those that begin with “why don’t you…”. Asking questions of this kind often tends to put people on the defensive, and can lead to arguments between the two.
Don’t downplay the person’s feelings by saying they shouldn’t worry about something, or that they shouldn’t allow others to bother them. You are not the one to judge what may or may not be worrying or disturbing to your partner. They have a right to feel anxious or upset about something.
If you start by asking a clarifying question or a question that allows the person to explain in more detail but they seem hesitant, stop. Don’t force them to say something they don’t want. If the person wants to talk, they will.
Don’t assume that you understand the other person’s feelings. This includes telling the person their life story every time they share theirs. If your partner tells you about a time when they were really upset about something, don’t turn it into a story about a time when you were upset too.

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Use the subject ‘I’ (the subject of the sentence is yourself). If you’re trying to explain how you’re feeling now (or in the past) to your ex, don’t turn it into a blame process by just trying to list everything they’ve done that has let you down. – “You often ignore me”, “I never want to spend time with you”, or “I always want to hang out with other friends”. Instead, remember to use the subject ‘I’ in every sentence – “I feel like I’m being ignored”, “I’m so sad that I can’t spend more time with you” , or “Sometimes, I feel like I’m being left out.” ^{[16] X Research Sources} The same for what really happened is not to be exaggerated by using the words “always” or “never”.

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Avoid turning the conversation into an argument. You’re not always right, and your ex doesn’t necessarily agree with you, or vice versa. The goal of this dialogue is not to argue or win, but to build positive and intelligent communication about important topics you need to discuss with your ex. There is no winner or loser in this. ^{[17] X Research Source}

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have feelings for your ex’s feelings or thoughts. You can still be angry or upset with what they say, but don’t express your feelings without thinking. Take a few minutes to reflect on why the person did or said something and asked yourself if it made sense.

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Consider the source of your emotions. You’re both human and have some nasty feelings at times, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel the same way. There’s nothing wrong with having a certain feeling or thought, but it’s important to try to be aware of when you’re venting your feelings onto someone else and to acknowledge it. You will even have a perfectly reasonable explanation for why you think or feel that way sometimes, perhaps because of your past experiences. ^{[18] X Research Sources}

For example, if you’ve dated someone who cheated on you in the past, and they often lie that they have to work late, then when you hear your current partner say they have to work late, you might think absurd things about them. You should take the time to explain this to the other person. Let them know where this thinking comes from, and that you understand it doesn’t affect your beliefs, but you still can’t get them out of your mind because of a bad experience in the past. past.
At times, feelings and thoughts can be very irrational. For example, you might feel jealous when your ex has a new one, even if you don’t want the two of you to get back together. Your feelings may just be because that person means a lot to you. You are completely allowed to have that feeling.

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Be open, honest and respectful. Since this conversation is about you having to accomplish specific goals with your ex, you need to be as clear, concise, and honest as possible. Make it clear what you want – from your ex and from your relationship. State what you expect from this relationship. Let them know the reason for how you feel. Accept that you have your own needs and dreams, and that this is completely normal.

Maintain empathy and honesty even if your ex doesn’t respect you. If your partner treats you badly, or says something hurtful, remember that you’re prepared to deal with the problem. You can get over it and you’ll be fine. There’s no reason for you to lower yourself to the person’s level and return them with the same disrespect. You will regret it later. ^{[19] X Research Source}

Forget your ex

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Remind yourself of why you broke up. Breaking up with someone else, especially someone you have strong feelings for, will make you feel as if the whole world is crumbling at your feet. You need to remind yourself that there will always be a good reason why your relationship has to end. There’s probably a good reason why you two broke up, even if you can’t remember in your darkest moment. You should avoid pursuing a pragmatic relationship. ^{[20] X Research Source}

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Allow yourself to feel. You need to know that you can totally feel pain and sadness. Don’t force yourself to do something you don’t want to do. You can lie in bed all day and call in sick. Don’t worry if you eat too much chocolate. One of the most important things is that you should try to overcome the urge to call your ex to feel better. You can do it! ^{[21] X Research Source}

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Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think. You will get through this stage, even if you don’t feel that way at the moment. You will find yourself reliving specific events and thinking deeply about why things didn’t go well. The problem is that you will probably never understand. Maybe the reason won’t be so good. But you don’t have to know the reason for the breakup to get over it. You just get through the hours, the days, the weeks – one step at a time. ^{[22] X Research Source}

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Seek help. Don’t try to fight grief alone. You should reach out to friends, family, and professionals for help. Talk about how you’re feeling and allow yourself to be upset. You should let everyone know that you’re having a hard time, and you’ll feel more comfortable realizing that you’re not the only one dealing with your feelings. If it’s hard for you to talk, write about your thoughts and feelings in a journal, and seek companionship from family and friends. ^{[23] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source}

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Learn a lesson from what happened. After you’ve gotten over the period of not being able to think straight or do anything productive, you can begin to see the power this whole experience has in store for you. You will also realize that even though you feel bad, you are actually getting better. You feel more comfortable. You have recovered a little, then you will soon recover more. ^{[24] X Research Source}

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Take care of yourself. Once you find yourself on the road to recovery, you should return to your usual routine, which includes doing a relaxing activity that you can enjoy (e.g. going for a walk, reading, soaking). yourself in a soapy bath, etc.). Say “no” when necessary. Get out of the house or vice versa if you want. Get enough sleep and eat healthy. ^{[25] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to Source}

Steps

Think about your reasons

Contact

Talk

Forget your ex

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