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Breaking up with a romantic partner can be a challenging and emotional experience. However, sometimes there may come a time when you feel ready to reconnect and have a conversation with your ex. Whether it be to gain closure, clear any remaining conflicts, or rebuild a friendship, chatting with an ex requires finesse and understanding. In this guide, we will explore various strategies and tips on how to effectively chat with an ex, navigating the delicate balance between addressing the past and moving forward with grace. It is important to approach this interaction with caution and mindfulness, as it can be a significant step in healing and personal growth.
This article was co-written by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Sarah Schewitz, PsyD is a psychologist with over 10 years of experience helping couples and individuals improve and change love and relationship habits. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology clinic.
There are 11 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 127,633 times.
Building a relationship is hard, and breaking up is even harder. After a breakup, there are many reasons why you should consider talking to your ex. It may be that you want to maintain your friendship with your partner even if the relationship between the two of you cannot develop. Perhaps the two of you have children together, and this means that you should at least discuss childcare issues with your partner. Maybe even because you want to try to get back together. But before you start calling or texting, it’s a good idea to take a moment to think about why. Whatever they are, there are quite a few steps that can help you communicate with your ex smoothly.
Steps
Think about your reasons
- If you have children with an ex, you should also think about the impact complaining will have on them. You don’t want your kids to see you as the bad guy who complains all the time.
Contact
- For example, did the two of you ever meet at a coffee shop where you both have only positive memories? Or at some park or bakery that has nothing to do with you and your ex? You should choose places like these for your first meeting so as not to hinder the progress of the relationship.
- If you and your partner have a lot of conflict but need to meet to talk, for example about children, a public place will be quite suitable to encourage both of you to control your emotions.
- Skype is also an inexpensive and very easy way to stay in touch when the two are quite far apart (or even quite close). As long as the two of you have a computer or tablet with an internet connection, you should be able to use Skype. And for Skype, you don’t have to use the camera if you don’t want to.
- For example, maybe your crush loves a traditional brew that’s only available in a few places, or they like to collect items like figurines or snow globes. Such simple, inexpensive, yet thoughtful things will be a nice gesture to show that you still remember many great things about your ex.
- The best way to articulate intent is to set specific goals. You should determine what you want from that person and stick to it. If you hope you two get back together, be clear. And if you just want to be friends with that person, you should make your ex understand the problem right away. And if the person asks you to accept things that are less than you want, you should consider walking away.
- Before you meet or talk to your ex, it’s a good idea to think about any reactions they might have—both good and bad. Consider why your ex is acting this way. Be prepared for any reaction (in general) so you won’t be surprised if it actually happens.
Talk
- People who communicate in a friendly way tend to love cooperation. When they need to make a decision, they often gather opinions from many different people before coming to a conclusion. This means that they often listen to what the other person has to offer and consider it before making a decision.
- Competitive communicators love power and domination. They tend to make their own decisions without cooperation. They are often assertive (but not aggressive), direct, and sometimes defiant to those who disagree with them.
- Direct communicators are exactly what their name suggests – direct. They speak bluntly, and without roundabouts. If they want something, they will tell you. If you don’t like something, they’ll let you know. Straightforwardness allows others to quickly get to know them. Usually, they won’t be vague about what they want. Sometimes, people who talk too directly are seen as compulsive or aggressive.
- Indirect communicators have difficulty communicating their thoughts, wants, or needs to others. They often make suggestions about what they hope others will understand. This type of communication often creates a lot of confusion and misunderstanding, but at the same time, it also helps you appear less aggressive.
- Repeat and summarize the other person’s words. You can repeat using words that help clarify and simplify the meaning. This way, the other person will realize that you are paying attention, and they will know if you really understood what they were trying to say.
- For example, you could say: “I heard you say that you want the kids to come over to your house every other week, not every other week. Right?”.
- Do not interrupt. If the person is trying to say something, you can show interest by looking them in the eye, and nodding or saying short sentences to encourage them to continue. Allow the person to say whatever they want to say without forcing them to stop or cut off their train of thought. This includes the act of keeping silent when the other person is thinking or trying to find the right words to express.
- Ask a question. If you don’t understand or want to clarify something, just ask. If you feel like your ex has only lightly expressed your thoughts or feelings, you should ask questions to get them to explain in more detail.
- Try to use open-ended questions, instead of pleadings. For example: “How do you think we will interact in the future?”
- Acknowledge the person’s feelings. You need to empathize with everything they say. If the situation they’re discussing sounds frustrating, tell them they look frustrated. Tell them what might make them feel better for opening up to you. If the person has just told you about a really difficult problem that they can’t get over, you should thank them for sharing with you.
- Don’t ask too many why questions – especially those that begin with “why don’t you…”. Asking questions of this kind often tends to put people on the defensive, and can lead to arguments between the two.
- Don’t downplay the person’s feelings by saying they shouldn’t worry about something, or that they shouldn’t allow others to bother them. You are not the one to judge what may or may not be worrying or disturbing to your partner. They have a right to feel anxious or upset about something.
- If you start by asking a clarifying question or a question that allows the person to explain in more detail but they seem hesitant, stop. Don’t force them to say something they don’t want. If the person wants to talk, they will.
- Don’t assume that you understand the other person’s feelings. This includes telling the person their life story every time they share theirs. If your partner tells you about a time when they were really upset about something, don’t turn it into a story about a time when you were upset too.
- This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have feelings for your ex’s feelings or thoughts. You can still be angry or upset with what they say, but don’t express your feelings without thinking. Take a few minutes to reflect on why the person did or said something and asked yourself if it made sense.
- For example, if you’ve dated someone who cheated on you in the past, and they often lie that they have to work late, then when you hear your current partner say they have to work late, you might think absurd things about them. You should take the time to explain this to the other person. Let them know where this thinking comes from, and that you understand it doesn’t affect your beliefs, but you still can’t get them out of your mind because of a bad experience in the past. past.
- At times, feelings and thoughts can be very irrational. For example, you might feel jealous when your ex has a new one, even if you don’t want the two of you to get back together. Your feelings may just be because that person means a lot to you. You are completely allowed to have that feeling.
- Maintain empathy and honesty even if your ex doesn’t respect you. If your partner treats you badly, or says something hurtful, remember that you’re prepared to deal with the problem. You can get over it and you’ll be fine. There’s no reason for you to lower yourself to the person’s level and return them with the same disrespect. You will regret it later. [19] X Research Source
Forget your ex
This article was co-written by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Sarah Schewitz, PsyD is a psychologist with over 10 years of experience helping couples and individuals improve and change love and relationship habits. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology clinic.
There are 11 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 127,633 times.
Building a relationship is hard, and breaking up is even harder. After a breakup, there are many reasons why you should consider talking to your ex. It may be that you want to maintain your friendship with your partner even if the relationship between the two of you cannot develop. Perhaps the two of you have children together, and this means you should at least discuss childcare issues with your partner. Maybe even because you want to try to get back together. But before you start calling or texting, it’s a good idea to take a moment to think about why. Whatever they are, there are quite a few steps that can help you communicate with your ex smoothly.
In conclusion, chatting with an ex can be a complex and sensitive matter. It is important to approach the conversation with empathy, respect, and clear intentions. By considering the reasons behind the desire to initiate contact, setting boundaries, and being honest about expectations, individuals can navigate the conversation with their ex in a healthy and productive way. However, it is crucial to recognize that not all situations may be suitable for reconnecting, and it is important to prioritize one’s emotional well-being above all. Ultimately, each individual must assess their own situation and decide whether engaging in a conversation with an ex is the right choice for them.
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