How to Calm an Autistic Person

People with autism may be overwhelmed by strong sensory or emotional impacts. When this happens, they often need someone to gently lead them to a quiet place so they can calm down. Here are a few ways you can help someone with autism when they are grieving.

Table of Contents

Take the first steps

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Take a moment to reassure yourself. When you can maintain a calm demeanor, you help the autistic person feel calmer. ^{[1] X Research Source}

Maintain a calm and understanding attitude. Show the same kindness you’d expect others to do for you if you’re in trouble.
Never yell, scold, or punish a person with autism for grieving. They didn’t do it on purpose, so being ruthless will only make the situation worse. If you can’t control yourself, it’s better to leave instead of making the situation worse.

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Ask what the problem is, if the other person is willing to talk. At times, perhaps they are overwhelmed, and need some quiet time. At other times, they may be having difficult emotions related to something in life (such as a grade in class or an argument with a friend).

With severe emotional overload, people who are normally able to talk will suddenly lose the ability to talk. It is due to overstimulation, and it will pass when they have time to relax. If someone has lost the ability to talk, you should simply ask yes/no questions so that they can answer with an up and down hand gesture.

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Lead them to a quiet place. Or, encourage everyone to leave the room. You could explain that sudden noises and movements are difficult for autistic people right now, and that they will be happy to go out and play again sometime. ^{[2] X Research Source}

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Ask if they want you around. Sometimes, they may want you to be there to keep them company and calm them down. At other times, they may want to be alone for a while. Whatever the case, don’t see it as your fault.

If they can’t talk right now, have them respond by gesturing up and down. Or, you could say, “Do you want me to stay or leave?” and point to the floor and to the door, then let them point to where they want you to be.
If young children want to be left alone, you can sit in the next room and do something quiet (like playing on your phone or reading) to keep an adult present. ^{[3] X Research Sources}

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Help them do the hard work. When stressed, they will not be able to think clearly, and will have difficulty doing simple things, such as taking off a cramped sweater or getting a glass of water. Help them, but don’t invade their personal space.

If they tug on tight clothing, offer to help them take it off. ^{[4] X Source of Research} (Don’t try to undress them without permission, as this can make them panic and upset).
If they try to drink from the basin, get them a glass.

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Ensure safety if they smash, swing, or throw things. Clear dangerous or fragile things out of their sight. Place a pillow or folded jacket under their head for protection, or place their head in your lap if it’s safe.

If they throw things, perhaps the act of throwing things calms them down. Try giving them something that can be safely thrown away (like a pillow). Let them throw it away, then put it back so they can throw it away again. This can calm them down.
If you feel unsafe around them, leave. Let them continue until they calm down and are exhausted.

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Ask for help if you don’t know what to do. Parents, teachers, and guardians will know how to help. They will have an understanding of the specific needs of an autistic person.

Often, police are not trained to help people with autism when they lose their temper, and they can make the situation worse or hurt your loved one with autism. Instead, you should ask someone with whom the autistic person knows and trusts.

Use emotional reassurance methods

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Reduces sensory impact to help people with autism who are under pressure. Often, people with autism have problems with sensory input; they listen, feel, and see things more intensely than others. It was as if the intensity for everything had been increased.

Turn off distracting devices, such as televisions or radios (unless the person with autism tells you they want to turn them on).
Try dimming the light.
Let them hide in small areas if they want to. For example, if they want to hide in a closet or kitchen cabinet with a phone, let them do it. (You just have to make sure they can get out on their own).

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Touch only if they agree. Hold them back, rub their shoulders, and show affection. You should touch firmly, rather than lightly, because this gives them more peace of mind. This can help calm them down. If they say or show that they don’t like being touched, don’t take it as your fault; simply because they can’t stand the touch right now. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

You can hug them by opening your arms and see if they come to you.
If you hug them, and they stiffen or dodge, let them go. Maybe they can’t stand the sensory impact of a hug right now, or perhaps your clothes have features that make them uncomfortable. ^{[6] X Research Source}

Use verbal methods

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Ask if they would like you to teach them a relaxation exercise. If the stressor is emotional (not sensory), a relaxation exercise can help calm them down enough to talk. If they agree to do a relaxation exercise, try helping them with one of the exercises below:

Sensory background: Ask them to list 5 things they see right now, 4 things they can touch, 3 things they can hear, 2 things they can smell (or want to smell), and one good thing about themselves. Use your fingers to count them.
Breathing box: Ask them to inhale and count to 4, hold and count to 4, exhale and count to 4, rest and count to 4, and then repeat.

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Listen and acknowledge their feelings if they want to talk about their problems. Sometimes, people just want to vent and be heard. Let them vent if they want to discuss the problem. Here are a few examples of what you might say:

“I’m here to listen if you want to talk.”
“You just relax. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m so sorry you encountered that.”
“It’s hard to hear.”
“Of course I’m sad. I’m in a really tough situation. It’s only natural to be stressed out.”

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Let them cry. Sometimes, people just need to “sob” and express their feelings.

Try saying “Crying is normal” or “You should cry. I’m always here”.

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Bringing needed comfort. You can bring a comforter, offer to play a song they like, care about, or do something that you know will help the autistic person feel calmer.

What has a calming effect will vary depending on the situation. If they refuse the hug to choose to listen to their favorite song and swing to it, don’t see it as your fault. They know what they need right now.

Advice

Even if they don’t talk, you can talk to them. Reassure them and talk to them in a warm voice. This can help calm them down. ^{[10] X Research Source}
Verbal reassurance will help, but if it doesn’t, stop and sit quietly. ^{[11] X Research Source}
Withdraw all requests and orders, as pressure is often created by overstimulation. That’s why a quiet room (when available) works so well. ^{[12] X Research Source}
Some children want to be held or rocked when they are sad.
If the other person is calm enough after that, ask what was causing them to break down. After knowing the information, adjust your surroundings accordingly.

Warning

Do not scold a person for losing his temper. Even though the person is mostly aware that losing his temper in public is unacceptable, anger will quickly escalate into tension and become uncontrollable.
Loss of temper/depression has never been a trick to get attention. Don’t treat it like pure anger. They are difficult to control, and often cause autistic people to feel ashamed or remorseful.
Never leave your partner alone unless you live in a safe and familiar environment.
Never hit your opponent.
Never yell at your opponent. Remember that they are autistic, so this may be the only way for them to express their frustration.

Steps

Take the first steps

Use emotional reassurance methods

Use verbal methods

Advice

Warning

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