How to Break Up with a Heartless Friend

It sucks when we have a friend who is never there when we need them, especially if they always disappear at the last minute or don’t promise anything. If there’s a heartless friend next to you that you need to let go of, you’re probably contemplating what to do. The good news is that there are ways to end a friendship with someone who can’t (or doesn’t want) to be with you all the time. Note that, when meeting someone who will no longer be friends, it is best to be as gentle as possible.

Table of Contents

Talk to them if you’ve never told them before.

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Before you cut off your friendship with that person, don’t forget to let them know how you feel. It’s possible that your friend doesn’t realize how important this issue is to you, so if you’ve never talked about it, let them know first. If you give them the chance to change, that friend might surprise you and you probably won’t need to end a relationship that means a lot to you. ^{[1] X Research Source}

You can start with a sentence like “You know what Loan, I’m so sad because Loan canceled my appointment with me, making me feel disrespected” and then continue talking. Be open, frank and sincere.
Maybe the friend became indifferent because they are busy with too many things right now. Just think well for them and solve the problem with them. ^{[2] X Research Source}
There are people who are so carefree that they cancel plans and don’t consider it a big deal, while others are extremely absent-minded and specialize in forgetting when they need to be present. Either way, you should give them a chance to change.

Speak frankly to make things clear.

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If you want to break up with that friend, be clear about what you do. This is the most mature approach, and while it’s hard to say, it’s better than never picking up the phone when they call and leaving them wondering. ^{[3] X Research Source} That way, the other person will know why you don’t want to be friends with them anymore, and you can reconnect if they already know how to fix it. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

You can also say something like, “Hey Bao, I don’t want to hang out with Bao anymore. Bao was never there when I needed him, making me very sad.”
If you want to be more gentle, you can say, “I take my friends very seriously, but I know it’s my problem too because it makes it hard for me to be friends with you. I’m so sorry.”

Mimic their behavior so that things will gradually come to an end.

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Stop being patient with them and arbitrarily cancel appointments to let them figure it out on their own. If you start to behave towards the other person exactly as they have treated you, there are two possibilities. One is that they will change, and the two of you will be good friends again; two, they won’t and will leave on their own. This isn’t the fastest way to break up with this friend, but it’s a good option if you want them to go through how you feel and realize their mistake. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

With this tactic, maybe you will realize something surprising. Maybe you don’t put so much emphasis on being attached to that friend and will feel more comfortable around them. If this happens then it is a sign that the friendship is still valid and not what you initially imagined!

Let the two sides move away naturally.

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Let time help you cut off the other person if you’re not in a hurry. You don’t always have to let your feelings out, and if they’re constantly being mean to you, there’s no reason why you can’t just let things go. Instead of trying to imitate them, just forget about it. Let’s just assume that friend is always so heartless and doesn’t care about it. Over time you will forget about inviting them to your activities, and this friendship will automatically end. ^{[6] X Research Sources}

Though you can gloat when you pick up the phone to cancel the date and smugly think “I’ll let him know!” but actually retaliate by mimicking their behavior is not the mature solution. People can change, and friendships change too. If the two sides are not destined to be friends, you have nothing to regret.

Ignore the person if you won’t see them again.

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This workaround isn’t very adult, but it’s also an option if you’re hurt. If you have tried to talk to the other person about this but to no avail (they are even more indifferent) then this course of action is worth it. Delete this person’s contact from your phone and block them on social media. You’ve tried your best, tried everything and they still ignore it. You don’t owe them anything. Get on with your life and forget about them. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

If they call or text, you can tell them to stop or respond with, “I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.” or no response required.
This solution is not very good if you work at the same company or go to the same school. If you try to ignore that friend but keep seeing them all the time, it can easily lead to an argument. If you know that you will still see them in the future, it is best to have a frank and gentle conversation or let the relationship fade over time.

Don’t think too much and treat them like a normal acquaintance.

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Instead of cutting ties with them, try rethinking the nature of this friendship. It is possible that your view of friendship is different from theirs. If you’re dedicated to spending time and effort on being with that friend but aren’t being reciprocated, you’ll probably feel better if you just treat them like a normal acquaintance. Maybe you set standards that they don’t meet, or you think you’re closer than you really are. Anyway, things will be easier if you reduce these friendship expectations. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

You probably don’t want to hear this, but chances are you’re being too strict with your friends, If they’re only canceling a few dates, it’s not worth cutting your friendship off.
Try acting like nothing terrible happened.

Draw a boundary and stick to it.

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If you’re still friends, clarify what’s acceptable and what’s not. If you hate the way they always cancel at the last minute, tell them not to do it again. If you’re upset that your friend doesn’t often let you know if they’re coming or not, let them know. Be specific and clear about what you disagree with and what you can accept, depending on the situation. ^{[9] X Research Source}

You can say, “Mai, I know that sometimes unexpected things happen, but I was so upset when you said you would come and ended up not coming without saying anything. If you still see me as a friend, can’t you do that?”
Or “You know, it’s okay if it’s just you and me, but if you don’t come to the party with so many people that I invite you to, it’s a shame for me. Next time you have to come.”

Spend time with people you know keep their word.

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Now is the time to dedicate your energy to other friends. There is no reason for you to give love and effort to people who are heartless if there are other friends who are always there when you need them. Forget those superficial friends and spend time with those who appreciate friendship. ^{[10] X Research Sources} If you don’t have any other friends this is a great reason to look for friends!

If your heartless friend sees you have other happier friends, they may change their behavior again.

Don’t think that person’s inattentive behavior has anything to do with you.

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Whatever happens, don’t blame yourself for their behavior. You must be very upset to have such a heartless friend, but understand that this has nothing to do with you. People who always screw up plans are often very arbitrary, selfish or without thinking about the consequences. Whatever the cause, it’s not your fault and you shouldn’t blame yourself. ^{[11] X Research Source}

If you think the person just doesn’t care about you, ask mutual friends how the person behaves with them. If someone just refuses to hang out when you ask them to, they may have a problem with you. However, the chances are high that they behave this way with everyone, just that others don’t complain.

Accept behavior that is a bit mindless.

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We all have times to cancel plans, so try not to be too rigid. If you are the type of person who is always on time and never misses a scheduled appointment, then it will be very difficult for you to accept someone who cancels an appointment at the last minute or doesn’t show up. However, this phenomenon is normal and is not worth reacting strongly if it only happens occasionally. ^{[12] X Research Source}

Loving your friends also means accepting their flaws. If they don’t mean it when they do and don’t cancel every time, don’t give it much thought.

Steps