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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 50 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 200,983 times.
We’ve all been through this phase. The breakup had just happened, and the mix of emotions was still intense. Being strong can be difficult at first, and this can only happen once you allow yourself to face your grief. But you will soon realize that time heals all wounds, and you will become better and stronger than ever.
Steps
Coping with pain
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Accept that pain is natural. Like an old song once said, “Farewell is hard”. Scientists have even shown that emotional rejection activates the same function in the brain as when physical pain occurs. [1] X Research Source You’ll feel pain when you break up with someone, and it’s only natural to feel sad about it.
- Many psychologists have estimated that about 98% of us have experienced some form of unrequited love, whether it is unrequited love or affection. a sad parting. Realizing that you’re not the only one going through this won’t heal your broken heart, but it will make it easier for you to bear the pain. [2] X Research Source
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Express your feelings. Don’t pretend that you’re fine. Denying or suppressing emotions – for example, telling yourself “I am really fine” or “It was no big deal” will make things worse. You need to face your emotions in order to work through them. [3] X Research Sources
- Cry as much as you want. Crying is a cure when you are sad. Crying can reduce feelings of stress, anxiety, and anger. So cry, grab a tissue, and cry as much as you can if this helps. [4] X Research Sources
- Express your feelings through creativity, such as painting or music. Write a song about how you feel, or listen to music that makes you feel better. Draw a picture of your emotional state. However, you must remember to stay away from genres that are too sad or angry (such as death metal music). These categories can increase your feelings of sadness and anger. [5] X Trusted Source American Psychpogical Association Go to Source
- Kicking or smashing something to express pain sounds tempting, but you should avoid these actions if possible. Studies have shown that using violence to express anger, even if it is only through the use of an inanimate object such as a pillow, can make you feel angry. more fierce. [6] X Trusted Source Association for Psychpogical Science Go to the source To express your feelings in a healthier way, try expressing your feelings to yourself or to someone you love. [7] X Research Sources
- It will be easier if the person is a member of your family or a friend you trust. Find someone who can lend you a shoulder to cry on and help you relax completely. Maybe at some point they also cried on your shoulder. Now is the time for them to thank you.
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Write about your feelings. Expressing your feelings instead of holding them back or trying to ignore them will help you accept that you’re hurting, but that’s not always the case. [8] X Research Resources Writing about your feelings openly and honestly can help you make sense of them. [9] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source[10] X Research Source Lepore, SJ, and Greenberg, MA (2002). Healing Broken Hearts: Effects of emotional writing on mood, cognitive processes, social adjustment, and health after a breakup. Psychology and Health, 17(5), 547-560. The first step to coping with loneliness after a breakup is to take time for self-reflection and self-reflection. [11] X Research Source Rokach, A. (1990). Survive and deal with loneliness. Journal of Psychology, 124(1), 39-54.
- Take 20 minutes a day for 3 days to relax and write about your innermost thoughts about this relationship. Reflect on your experience when you were in a relationship, how you felt after a breakup, or what your anxieties were when you were no longer in a romantic relationship. [12] X Research Source Lepore, SJ, and Greenberg, MA (2002). Healing Broken Hearts: Effects of emotional writing on mood, cognitive processes, social adjustment, and health after a breakup. Psychology and Health, 17(5), 547-560.
- Common reasons for breakups are a lack of independence, a lack of openness, or a lack of a sense of “attractiveness.” [13] X Baxter Research Source , LA (1986). The gender difference in the rules of romantic relationships between the two different sexes is the cause of the breakup. Report on Social and Personal Relations,3(3), 289-306.
- Don’t worry about grammar and spelling as you write. You write for yourself, to be able to express your feelings and thoughts.
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Consider your mood line. Writing about your feelings is the first step. The next step is to re-read what you wrote and try to figure out why you have these feelings. Thinking about these feelings will help you better understand them, and can also help you identify any emotional distortions that might be unfair to you. [14] X Trusted Source TeensHealth Go to Source
- For example, a common fear after a breakup is that no one likes us, even that we’re not attractive to others. It’s pretty easy to get the feeling that you won’t be able to find someone who can love you again. [15] X Research Source This is a natural reaction, but you shouldn’t convince yourself that it’s true. Try to find proof that there are still plenty of people who love you, even if the person you wish they loved you wouldn’t love you (or couldn’t love you the way you want to). .
- Look for comprehensive, introspective, and irreversible statements in your journal. Research has shown that these thought patterns can lead to post-breakup depression and can make it difficult for you to move on. [16] X Research Source
- For example, a comprehensive statement such as “This breakup will ruin my life”. You will feel that way sometimes, but things may not be how you feel. Try to turn this into a restrictive statement such as, “This breakup really hurts me right now, but this is just a part of life.”
- An introspective statement is often one of self-blame: “It’s my fault” or “If I tried to change the situation, maybe we wouldn’t have broken up.” Remember that a romantic relationship requires the involvement of two people. The chance that 100% of the mistakes are made by one person is quite rare. And in general, breakups happen when the two are incompatible, not because one person turned out to be “bad” or “wrong”. Try to tell yourself, “This relationship ended because we weren’t right for each other. No one person is the same and everyone has different needs so this is completely normal.”
- Expressions that are irreversible such as: “I will never forget him/her” or “I will never have this feeling again”. Remind yourself that everything is temporary. People often change. The heart will be healed. Try to tell yourself, “I am suffering now, and I will be fine. Because nothing lasts forever.”
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Repeat positive self-affirmations. The breakup can take a toll on your confidence. Showing kindness to yourself can help remind you that you are a wonderful person and have quite a few good qualities that are reserved only for the right person for you. The next time negative thoughts about the breakup come up – and they will, at least for a short while – challenge them by using one of these powerful affirmations. the following effects: [17] X Research Source
- I deserve love and care, and someone will realize this
- I’m sad now, but this won’t last forever
- Part of my pain is caused by chemicals in my brain and I can’t control it
- My thoughts and feelings are not true
- I love and respect myself
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Make a list of your positive qualities. Breaking up with your partner can make you doubt your worth. It is important that you remind yourself of your good qualities. [18] X Research Sources Bourgeois, KS, & Leary, MR (2001). Dealing with Rejection: Belittle those who see us as their last choice. Motivation and Emotions, 25(2), 101-111. Studies have shown that when you remind yourself that you deserve to be loved, you’ll be able to cope with rejection more easily. [19] X Research Resources Make a list of the beautiful, wonderful, and interesting things about yourself. When you’re feeling down, revisit that list and remind yourself that you’re a great person.
- Think about things you can do (especially if these things don’t involve the person you just broke up with). Do you enjoy the sport of skydiving, drawing, writing music, dancing? Do you like to go for a walk or cook a hearty meal? Make a list of your skills and remind yourself that you are a strong and capable person.
- Think about the things that you love about yourself. Do you have a heart-stopping smile? Do you have great fashion sense? Remind yourself of your good qualities – and that the most important opinion is your own opinion.
- Think about the positive things other people have said about you. Have your friends ever told you how empathetic you are? Are you the main character in the party? Are you a caring person and have ever given up your seat on the bus or subway to someone else? Remind yourself that others can recognize your worth, too.
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Seek help. When you break up with someone, it’s completely normal to feel isolated or cut off. [20] X Trusted Source American Psychpogical Association Go to the source Seek help from friends and loved ones who can help you cope with these feelings and can help you. Remind yourself that you have a lot of love in your life. [21] X Research Source Rokach, A. (1990). Survive and deal with loneliness. Journal of Psychology, 124(1), 39-54.
- Talk to friends. Share your feelings with them. Consult with them about their past breakups. They can assist you and can offer advice. [22] X Research Sources Locker Jr, L., McIntosh, WD, Hackney, AA, Wilson, JH, and Wiegand, KE (2010). Breakups of romantic relationships: Situational predictions of cognitive recovery. South American Journal of Psychology, 12(3), 565.
- If your friends offer feedback or advice, be open-minded and listen to them. You don’t have to follow their advice, but appreciate their willingness to help. If you later notice that they become hesitant to talk to you about the breakup, you may have been focusing too much on it. Remember to ask about their lives.
- Sometimes, your friends and loved ones can go overboard. They may try to control your decisions or “fix” your problems for you. They may badmouth your ex and you probably won’t need these actions. If your loved one’s help begins to go beyond giving advice and providing helpful conversations, show them how much you appreciate their support and that you can help yourself. hand solve this problem. For example, if a friend of yours volunteered to “get revenge” on your behalf, you could say, “I appreciate your willingness to fight for me, but I can handle this on my own. You shouldn’t do that.”
Become strong
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Cut ties with your ex. When you two break up, there’s usually a reason why you have to make this decision. Not contacting your ex is an important step to healing after a breakup. [23] X Research Sources Locker Jr, L., McIntosh, WD, Hackney, AA, Wilson, JH, and Wiegand, KE (2010). Breakups of romantic relationships: Situational predictions of cognitive recovery. South American Journal of Psychology, 12(3), 565. You may feel tempted to contact your ex, especially at first, but try to remind yourself. about the reason you broke up. [24] X Research Resources Be strong and stay away from your phone!
- Romantic love stimulates dopamine in the brain, making you feel like you’re “rewarded” for your feelings. When you break up, your brain processes it the same way it does with a drug addiction. No matter how difficult it will be, don’t give in to that longing feeling, otherwise you will never get rid of it. [25] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source[26] X Research Source
- Don’t call or text your ex. If necessary, remove his or her phone number from your contacts and from your phone. Do not email or send messages on social networking sites.
- Tracking your ex in the virtual world is a real problem. Don’t search for your ex on Facebook or Instagram. You will only be able to focus on happy pictures of him or her and that he or she is having a great time. You won’t stop searching for clues and memories, and this will keep you from feeling better. [27] X Research Resources Marshall, TC (2012). Monitoring ex on Facebook: links to breakup recovery and self-development. Psychology of Virtual Worlds, Behavior, and Social Networks, 15(10), 521-526. If necessary, you can block your ex on your social media so you can’t be tempted.
- Do not post “attention” status sentences (vague status sentences on social networks). Focusing on the past will only prevent you from moving into the future.
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Remove memorabilia. Storing precious gifts from your ex or a photo of you both will prevent you from being able to heal and move on. You may also find that keeping them close to you makes you feel sad, lonely, or angry. [28] X Research Sources
- Remove pictures of your ex from your social media accounts (or at least cut his or her face out of the photos).
- Stop yourself from doing things you both used to do together, like listening to “our song” or going to your favorite date spot. These actions will make you focus your attention on the relationship that is no longer bad, allowing yourself to socialize and build new relationships instead (and increase sustainability). of existing relationships).
- Memories are not always triggered by things. Even sounds and smells can trigger a memory or emotion. [29] X Research Source If this happens, you should not try to ignore or deny it. Acknowledge the feeling: “Oh, that scent reminds me of the pizza on my pizza date. I really miss them.” And then step forward .
- If you own items that are too good to be thrown away, consider donating them to charities or thrift stores. You’ll be able to get rid of the t-shirt/coffee cup/teddy bear, and you’ll also be helping to bring about a positive change in the lives of others.
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“Fair play”. It’s easy for you to blow your ex’s tire, hide her or his car keys, or throw eggs in his or her house. You can also spread rumors about her or him, but you shouldn’t. This behavior will only trap you in the past instead of focusing on methods to help you get over the breakup. And even this action can cost you some friends.
- About half of people admit that they spied on their ex in one way or another after a breakup, from making unwanted calls to threatening or even destroying their property. ex. Singer Carrie Underwood can make revenge fun to undertake, however, this kind of behavior will only make it harder for you to recover from a breakup. [30] X Research Sources Davis, KE, Ace, A., and Andra, M. (2000). Perpetrators of partner stalking and psychological abuse: Anger-jealousy, accompanying lack of trust, need for control, and the context of the breakup. Violence and Victims, 15(4), 407-425.
- Spying and vandalism are also illegal activities. Is your ex worth going to jail? No. of course.
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Avoid hasty decisions. After a breakup, you’ll usually want to cut your hair or dye your hair or get a tattoo. This helps us to feel that we are changing identities and that we can become a whole new person, someone who has never been in a relationship before. Remember that brain chemistry changes when you break up with your lover, and your judgment will be quite weak at this point. [31] X Research Source
- Take some time to think about your decision. If after a few months you still want to get a tattoo because it’s a symbol of something important, go for it.
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Keep yourself busy. Distraction is only a temporary cure, but it will help you stop thinking about the pain of the breakup. [32] X Research Source Keep yourself busy by doing things you love, especially if they are new and exciting, this will help you realize that your life you’re not quite finished yet.
- Read the series of books you’ve been planning to read but haven’t been able to do. Join a book club so you can talk to others about them!
- Take a class, learn a new skill, pick up a new hobby. Learning a new skill can remind you that you are capable of personal growth and achievement.
- Call people you wanted to talk to a few months ago but haven’t been able to. Remind yourself that you are surrounded by people who love you and support you.
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Do exercise. Exercise is a good way to get rid of your frustration and pain. Exercise releases endorphins, brain chemicals that make you feel happy. Regular and moderate exercise will help you fight anxiety and depression. [33] X Trusted Source Harvard Medical Schop Go to the source Make it a goal to exercise 30 minutes a day so you can feel better.
- If you think your schedule doesn’t allow it, think again. Look for high-intensity workouts so you only have to work out for small periods of time like 15 minutes. Alternatively, you can exercise a little in the morning and in the evening. You don’t have to exercise for the same amount of time.
- Make small efforts, such as being able to park your car far away from the gate so you can wash it yourself.
- Exercise should not be used as a way to “fix” yourself. This is an unhealthy approach and will likely lead to physical deformities and other mental problems. Exercise because it’s good for your body and mind, not because you feel you “need” to do it in order to make others want you.
Learn how to develop yourself
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Always happy. This may sound impossible, especially if you’ve just broken up. However, having fun is a great remedy for your brain. It helps to reduce anger and increase positive emotions for you. [34] X Research Resources So hang out with your friends. Go to the cinema. Go dancing. Go to karaoke. Do what you love and relax a bit. You will feel better.
- Laughter is also a great medicine. Laughing helps release endorphins, which are the body’s natural mood regulators. Laughter can even increase the body’s tolerance for pain. [35] X Research Source
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Treat yourself. “Shopping therapy” can actually be pretty good for you, if done right. Research has shown that when you go shopping after a romantic rejection, you tend to visualize the fit of the goods to your new lifestyle. Choosing to buy an outfit that can boost your confidence, or replacing an old piece of furniture that doesn’t match your style chosen by your ex can help you heal. [36] X Research Source
- Remember: spending should not be used as a way to mask pain. And you also shouldn’t spend too much money in your credit account because otherwise you will be more stressed when the spending bills are sent to your home. Just give yourself a few things.
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Participate in community activities. Removing your focus from yourself can help you avoid thinking like “a broken record” in which the only thing you can think about is how bad things are. [37] X Research Sources Saffrey, C., & Ehrenberg, M. (2007). When thoughts cause pain: Attachment, thought repetition, and adjustment after a romantic relationship. Personal Relationships, 14(3), 351-368. Studies have shown that being kind and empathetic towards others can help boost your mood and create a “ripple effect” on empathy. [38] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source[39] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to Source So go out into the world. Make yourself a better member for a better community.
- Volunteering is a great activity you can get involved in. Check with your church, school, or charities to find out how to make a difference.
- Serving or giving something to others can also help you feel your life’s purpose. Studies have shown that when you contribute to doing something you believe in – especially if it involves a person – you can feel like you are making a difference in the world. . [40] X Research Source
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Focus on a positive attitude. Just because he/she broke up with you or doesn’t want you back doesn’t mean you’re worthless. There are a lot of people in life who still want you and are willing to treat you better than your ex. Look for things that make you smile and laugh. Surround yourself with friends and people who care about you. You will feel better.
- Either way, happiness will bring you success. [41] X Research Source The happier you are, the more positive seeds you can plant around you, and they will lead you to bigger and better things in life.
- People are often prone to “emotional contagion” or being influenced by the emotions and moods of others. If you surround yourself with positive people, you will be able to think more positively. On the contrary, if you surround yourself with negative and miserable people, you will easily fall into the same state as them. [42] X Research Source
Step forward
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Forgive and forget everything. After the initial stages of shock and grief have passed, you will be able to begin to let go of things and maintain your composure. As you forgive your ex for all the things that happened, you’ll start to forget them. This is completely normal as this is a natural cycle. [43] X Research Sources Lepore, SJ, and Greenberg, MA (2002). Healing Broken Hearts: Effects of emotional writing on mood, cognitive processes, social adjustment, and health after a breakup. Psychology and Health,, 17(5), 547-560. Remember: forgiveness is an action that you take for yourself , not for someone else. [44] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source[45] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source
- One way to be able to forgive someone is by starting to remember what you want to forgive. Remember how the action affected your emotions. Pay attention to thoughts about yourself and your ex. [46] X Trusted Source Greater Good Magazine Go to Source
- Think about the experience. What can you learn from it? There are probably things that you would hope the person would do differently. What do you hope for in the future? How will you use this experience to develop yourself?
- Remember that forgiveness is not an excuse for doing bad deeds. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to reconcile with that person, or that you give them “the right” to do something. Forgiveness means removing all burdens and anger. Forgiveness will bring peace to your soul.
- Remind yourself that you cannot control the actions of others. The only thing you can control is your own actions and reactions.
- Tell yourself that you forgive the person’s mistakes. And remember that it will take some time for you to feel completely forgiving of the person – this is completely normal.
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Think for a moment about the past, but then think about the future. By now you are probably completely immersed in the past. Why so? You cannot change it. It won’t help your “future”. What if you think about the future? It will certainly make it easier for you to think positively. Take a moment to reflect on the lesson you learned from this experience, and then take the time to plan for the future. [47] X Research Sources Saffrey, C., and Ehrenberg, M. (2007). When thoughts cause pain: Attachment, thought repetition, and adjustment after a romantic relationship. Personal Relationships, 14(3), 351-368.
- Use this moment to consider the lessons you learned from the relationship that can help your future. What would you do differently? [48]X Research Resources Make a list of things that won’t help the relationship and vice versa. Then write down the qualities you want your new lover to possess, what type of person he or she is, physical characteristics, personality, etc.
- See if you can identify patterns for your past relationships. Sometimes, people often fall in love with people who are not worthy of them. This can happen for a variety of reasons, including the way you interacted with your parents when you were a child. [49] X Research Sources Check to see if there’s a certain “type” of person that doesn’t work for you. Think about what you can do to break this pattern of failure in the future.
- See things as a learning process. Breaking up will hurt you. Very bad breakup. But they can also make you stronger, more confident, and a more compassionate person if you will. Look for things you can learn about yourself and your needs. [50] X Research Sources What have you learned about yourself that you didn’t know before? [51] X Research Source
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Learn about your true self. In a serious relationship, we often become half of the other person instead of a full and unique version of ourselves. This is probably why breaking up is so difficult. But once you are free, you can be yourself again. You can spend time doing the things you love without anyone’s opinions or restraints. Take the time to learn about your worth and the person you want to be. [52] X Research Source
- When you’re in a relationship, you may have to learn to compromise. Now is the time when you don’t have to compromise and can listen to yourself. Add anchovies on top of the pizza if you like. Wake up late on weekends if your ex is usually an early riser and usually has plans for the weekend. Wear an outfit you love but your ex doesn’t like it. Hang a picture or poster that your ex doesn’t like. Listen to music your ex doesn’t like. All of these actions are ways for you to come back to yourself and can help you rebuild the feeling that you are an individual, not one half of a couple.
- When this relationship started, what did you have to give up? A friendship? A hobby? What aspect of your life would you have to sacrifice to focus on this person? Think about the things that you gave up. Are they waiting for you? Very possible.
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Push yourself out of your comfort zone. It’s easy for us to stay in our comfort zones because they’re quite comfortable. However, it is difficult for you to grow without facing challenges. [53] X Research Resources Take this opportunity to try new things and take risks you wouldn’t normally take.
- Too much comfort removes your motivation. Maybe you are feeling upset after the breakup, use it to your benefit! Use it to change the areas of your life that need to be changed. [54] X Research Source
- Learning how to get out of your comfort zone has other benefits, too. For example, taking (reasonable, controlled) risks makes it easier to accept that vulnerability and the unexpected are a part of life. Once you learn to accept them, you will be able to easily handle the next surprise that may come your way. [55] X Research Source
- This does not mean that you can play dangerous sports without training, or decide to go abroad without knowing the culture and language of that country. Start with small challenges and work your way up from there. [56] X Research Source
- Think of the breakup as the method that gives you the freedom you deserve. You can go to school, live somewhere else, or eventually adopt a cat you like. You can spend Friday evenings going to the art classes you’ve always wanted to attend. If you want to fulfill a dream then this is the right time for you.
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Allow yourself time to work through it all. Right now, your heart is breaking, but you won’t be broken later. It sounds cliché, but this stereotype is for a good reason – time will heal your wounds. You need time to learn the outlook of things. While thinking about that person as a memory can make you feel uncomfortable, later on, she/he may become a memory that you love and are glad it happened. . The human image doesn’t automatically fade from your memory, so don’t be too hard on yourself if the grieving process doesn’t seem to disappear from your life. This is completely normal. But believe that anything is possible. [57] X Research Source
- The problem is that once the grief is over, you won’t notice it. One day you’ll wake up and realize that you haven’t been thinking about that person all week. This process happens slowly and beyond your awareness. So when you think nothing is happening, all of a sudden it happens. It’s always like that.
Advice
- Create a playlist of songs that can inspire you. Includes music that makes you feel confident and strong! When you start to feel lost and alone, listen to these songs to refocus.
- Remember to enjoy life. It would be nice if you could move on and accept yourself as an individual. Take this time so you can spend more time with the important people in your life: your family and close friends.
- Don’t dwell on the past and live each day to the fullest.
- Be comfortable and relax! Listen to good music to get the thoughts out of your mind.
- If you feel a strong urge to change your look, make sure you stick to temporary things, like using a hair color that fades after a few weeks or Use hair extensions with clips with light colors.
- Keeping yourself busy, hanging out with friends is the most effective way to distract yourself and remember to always be wise in choosing who you want to talk to about your situation. . You don’t have to satisfy the curiosity of everyone in the world by asking why and how your relationship fell apart. Choose people who can help you when you share your pain, you don’t have to please everyone.
- Never dwell on the past and allow it to ruin your future. You should try to let things go and forget about them if they make you sad, miserable, and unable to concentrate.
Warning
- Staying “just friends” is a no-no. Accepting that your relationship is over is the first step after a breakup, and without this realization it will be difficult for you to move on. Right now is the right time for renewal, not for the hope of reconciliation. There may be a chance for the two of you to get back together, but even the wisest guide to “getting your ex back” starts with this simple first step: stop falling in love. It can be quite a long break, like a year or two. It’s not emotionally safe to maintain a friendship until you’ve completely stopped having feelings for your ex – until you can feel the joy of knowing that your ex is dating. date someone else.
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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 50 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 200,983 times.
We’ve all been through this phase. The breakup had just happened, and the mix of emotions was still intense. Being strong can be difficult at first, and this can only happen once you allow yourself to face your grief. But you will soon realize that time heals all wounds, and you will become better and stronger than ever.
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