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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
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Assertiveness expresses your needs frankly to yourself and to others. An assertive communication style as well as assertive behavior can make you feel more fulfilled and fulfilled. It also helps you exude confidence, making others comfortable and confident when interacting with you. While assertiveness in communication is sometimes misinterpreted as arrogance, selfishness, and worthlessness, if you know how to set clear boundaries, communicate your needs and ideas with ease. With understanding and respect, you can enhance your relationships with others, whether that person is a colleague, friend, or the “object” of your affections.
Steps
Laying the Foundation for Assertiveness
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Compare assertive and passive behavior. Assertiveness is not arrogance. Passive people often allow their rights to be violated by agreeing to do things they don’t want to do, not daring to make their own decisions, being overly humble, and not wanting to communicate their thoughts and feelings. myself frankly. [1] X Research Sources Assertive people are not afraid to say “no” to inappropriate and unreasonable demands. They are reasonably confident in expressing their feelings, needs, and behavior towards people.
- Assertive people do not allow their own rights to be infringed nor do they infringe on the rights or feelings of others for their own sake. Assertive people have a strong sense of intrinsic belief (a feeling that they are acting on their own values and doing their best).
- Assertiveness values honesty, emotional frankness, and interpersonal relationships. If you don’t stand on your own two feet or depend on others to make all your decisions, you will hardly be satisfied with your personal relationships. Indecisive people generally have low happiness and peace of mind. [2] X Research Source
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Recognize assertive behavior. Assertive behavior concerns the way you say as well as the things you say. Being assertive doesn’t mean insulting or demeaning others, it’s about expressing your right to think, have your needs and feelings met. The following behaviors are considered assertive: [3] X Research Source
- Express feelings clearly
- Talk to others about your needs in a relaxed manner
- Do not curse, use profanity and avoid other inappropriate expressions
- Communicate frankly and honestly
- Recognizing the rights of others in communication
- Make cooperative statements and take into account the opinions of others.
- An example of assertive behavior is when someone steps in front of you in line, you say to them in a calm voice, “I’m next. I won’t allow you to interrupt like that.”
- If the situation is reversed when you accidentally cut in, the assertive behavior would be to take responsibility and apologize: “Sorry, I didn’t see you standing in line. I’ll be behind you.” Accepting responsibility assertively does not mean stooping or condescending, but acknowledging the needs of others and your own.
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Remember that assertiveness is a learned skill. Although some people are born more assertive than others, communicating assertively and appropriately is a skill that takes time and practice. This is especially true for women, who are often subjected to social and cultural pressures to refrain from assertive behavior and communication.
- Apologizing and taking responsibility is a healthy, helpful response when you’re not engaging in appropriate communication.
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Realize that you have rights. Cultural and social pressures can lead you to believe that you don’t have the right to say “no” in certain situations, such as at work or with friends. If you are a woman, you may also face social prejudice when you act assertively, being labeled as “noisy”, “conceited” or “aggressive” [4] X Research Source save . However, it’s important to understand that no one deserves to feel worthless and threatened. You have the right to have needs, thoughts and feelings, and to express them appropriately. [5] X Research Sources
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Know where you need to change. If you often feel pressured to agree at work or with friends, or feel depressed or helpless when interacting with others, you may need to practice assertiveness in those places. . You need to remember that passive behavior is not actually doing good to anyone; it can make you underappreciated and belittled, and passivity also means not being upfront with people.
- Try journaling about times when you felt threatened, coerced, under pressure, or felt passive or timid. This can help you identify which aspects cause you the most problems, and where you should focus on practicing assertiveness.
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Help. If you know that reacting assertively is hard for you, it might be a good idea to get help from someone you trust. It could be a friend, lover, superior or a consultant. Describe your situation and problem as specifically as possible and then describe the behavioral changes you would like. [6] X Research Sources
- For example, if you find it difficult to turn down non-remunerated part-time projects, you can talk to a trusted co-worker about strategies for asserting your benefits the next time you grant a grant. on asking you to do extra work.
- You can also practice assertive responses with people you trust before applying them to a difficult situation. Rehearsing will help you know how to approach the situation appropriately, while also helping to reduce anxiety.
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Practice in less stressful situations. Becoming assertive in communication takes time and practice, and for those who are not used to asserting themselves, this can be worrisome. Try practicing this skill in safe situations where you can express your assertiveness with certainty and without too much pressure to communicate. [7] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source
- For example, if you often have difficulty asserting your will, then the next time you are at a restaurant or coffee shop and the food you ordered is confused, politely clarify and ask for action. Reason for it: “I ordered a medium cooked steak. But this piece of meat looks like it’s well cooked. Can you do it again?”
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Check the context of the situation. Sometimes people who are passive or aggressive may think you are arrogant even though you are not. It is important for you to recognize when those criticisms are misinterpretations of your behavior, and when they may be correct. In response to these criticisms, try emphasizing that you want to cooperate, not dominate.
- Passive people may consider assertiveness rude because they are not used to speaking up for themselves. Passive people may find the open and direct style of assertive communication different from the way they behave and will misjudge assertiveness. [8] X Research Sources
- Passive-aggressive people often express their thoughts and feelings indirectly, often trying to hide their true feelings and punishing others by withdrawing, sulking, etc. [9] X Research Source Passive aggression is very harmful to relationships and communication. Because they are used to hiding their feelings and expressing them only indirectly, passive-aggressive people may consider frankness that accompanies assertiveness as rude or hostile.
- Aggressive people may resent it when assertive people stand up for themselves instead of being frightened by their demands. [10] X Research Source They may be accustomed to thinking about communication as centered around what they want and need. They may even interpret assertiveness as hostile because they are used to valuing themselves above others and waiting for others to treat them that way.
- In some cases, others may misjudge your behavior due to their own biases and perspectives. Racism and other types of prejudice and prejudice can cause people to judge your behavior by false and unhelpful standards. For example, in American culture, the pervasive and pervasive prejudice of “aggressive black women” may lead some to label the assertive behavior of all African-American women as aggressive. [11] X Research Sources Western women are often expected to be “gentle” and can be harshly judged for being assertive. [12] X Source of Research[13] X Source of Research Unfortunately there is little you can do to change other people’s minds once they have such prejudices.
- The imbalance of power in situations can also lead to misinterpretation. For example, if you are in charge of a team, it is very easy for your subordinates to view your actions and requests as selfish rather than assertive. Focus on collaborating, caring about people’s feelings and needs, and encouraging others to express themselves. Caring for those around you is key to keeping your behavior assertive without falling into aggression. [14] X Research Source
- Focus on the steps to “Right Assertiveness” in part 2 to make sure your behavior is assertive, not passive or aggressive.
Practice Right Judgment
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Be an active listener. It’s important to let people know your boundaries and feelings and give them space to talk, discuss, and express their feelings. Ask follow-up questions throughout the conversation and show affirmation by nodding, gesturing, and agreeing. [15] X Research Source
- Look directly at the person talking. You don’t have to stare at the other person, but you should try to maintain eye contact about 70% of the time as you listen. This communicates to the speaker that you are caring and paying attention. [16] X Trusted Source Michigan State University Extension Go to Source
- It’s easy to make the mistake of thinking about what you’re going to respond to before the other person finishes. For example, when a friend tells you about her bad day, you might think about telling her about your terrible day while she’s still talking. Doing so means you’re not focusing on the other person.
- If you find it difficult to focus on what the other person is saying to you, try repeating or summarizing what the other person is saying. This will force you to pay more attention.
- When it’s your turn to speak, try using a question or expression to clarify what you just heard. For example, if you hear your partner complain about something you did to upset her, you should clarify what you just heard: “I heard you say _____, is that true?”. This will save you from jumping to conclusions or getting it wrong.
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Humble and humble. Assertiveness and humility make a harmonious combination. Decisive people don’t have to climb to the roof and scream “Me, me, me, look what I’ve done!” It’s perfectly fine to accept praise for something you’ve done well, and it’s perfectly normal to let people know you’ve contributed, as long as it’s not bragging or targeting. to put others down in order to promote oneself.
- Showing humility doesn’t mean you’re weak or condescending. You can celebrate success and congratulate yourself on doing something well. As long as you don’t “put down” others to lift yourself up. [17] X Research Source[18] X Research Source
- For example, if someone compliments you that your presentation was great, don’t think you should respond with, “Oh, it’s nothing.” Such a reaction devalues your efforts and real achievements. Instead, respond affirmatively, acknowledging your own efforts while remaining humble: “Thank you! I work hard and have great help.”
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Use statements whose subject is “I”. Statements that focus on what “you” are feeling, thinking, or experiencing are a great way to express your needs without blaming others or “reading minds”. assume you know what other people are thinking or going through). You can express your feelings like “I like___” and “I don’t want___”, and offer constructive criticism like “I feel upset when you____”.
- For example, if a coworker forgets to meet you for lunch, don’t assume it’s because she doesn’t care. Instead, use “I” as the subject and then open the door for her to explain: “I’m sad that you didn’t go to the place we had lunch together. What happened?”
- Express your true feelings. For example, when you’re invited to a corporate event that you don’t want to go at all, don’t say something like, “Oh, I thought I would, but that’s not really what I like.” Instead, say, “I really don’t like crowds. I do not want to go”.
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Avoid using the words “should” or “must”. Using words like “must” or “should” sound like admonitions, reprimands, or orders. Such words fall into the category of “conscious imperatives” and can trigger feelings of anger and guilt in others (or you if you use them yourself). [19] X Research Source
- For example, instead of saying to your child, “You have to remember your duty to take out the trash,” try saying, “I have an important job taking out the trash when it’s my turn.”
- Do not replace sentences that begin with “I prefer… more” or “I wish you…” with statements with the word “should”.
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Use a calm and pleasant voice. Avoid yelling or yelling, as such behavior can upset others and cause people to not listen to you. Instead of raising your voice, speak in a calm and composed voice that is pleasing to the ear. [20] X Research Sources
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Invite others to share thoughts and experiences. Don’t assume that you “know everything” about the situation, or that you know the best way to handle it. Instead, invite people to talk with cooperative statements like “What do you think?” or “Do you have any suggestions on this?” [21] X Research Source
- This is especially important when you’re giving constructive criticism or sharing negative feelings. Inviting others to share their feelings and thoughts will make them feel important to you.
- For example, if a “specialist” friend canceled a plan with you at the last minute, describe how you felt and then invite her to share: “When we made a plan, you canceled it. at the last minute, I felt very discouraged because it was too late so I couldn’t make my own plans. Sometimes I even think that you don’t want to spend time with me. What’s going on?” [22] X Research Source
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Avoid blaming others. Blaming others for your own flaws or mistakes can seriously damage communication. Criticize others for their shortcomings with reproachful words, especially generalizing words like “I always forget to pick you up!” or “You are so clumsy!” will impede an effective dialogue. [23] X Research Sources
- For example, if your employee forgets to submit an important report, don’t hurl reprimands with negative language; maybe they also feel guilty about forgetting. Instead, firmly focus on what the person can do differently in the future: “I see you forgot to submit the report. When there is a deadline, I set a reminder in my calendar so I don’t forget. Do you think doing that helps you?”
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Distinguish between reality and perception. If you and another person disagree about something, don’t argue about who is “right”. This is especially useful in situations where there’s usually no “right” answer, like when something happens that hurts someone’s feelings. Using phrases like “my experience was different” is a way to make room for people to share their experiences.
- For example, imagine that your partner comes in and says that you upset them during the last conversation. Instead of immediately replying “I didn’t mean it” or using defensive language, first acknowledge that they have felt the same way. For example, you could say, “I’m sorry I upset you. I really don’t mean it and I’ll try not to say things like that again.”
- As another example, you should remember that people have many approaches to life. It’s not just because it’s different from yours that other people’s ways are wrong. Imagine a colleague handling a project in a way that you don’t think will be most effective. The most aggressive communication possible is: “That’s silly” or “Who would do that?” [24] X Research Sources
- Instead, if you’re in a position like the person in charge of the project, or their superior, express your concern for efficiency in an assertive manner: “I see you’re working on the project. way X. But I have experience with projects like this, and I see how Y can yield better and faster results. What do you think if you try to do it that way?”
- Remember that you’re not usually in the position of “fixing” someone else’s back. A good idea in this case is to refrain from imposing your views on others.
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Be willing to explore different options. Compromise is often necessary and helpful when interacting with others. Instead of rigidly sticking to your point or plan in a situation, show a willingness to explore other solutions. You can still be assertive with your ideas while inviting people to share their ideas. This will increase the likelihood that everyone will feel included and valued. Others will be more willing to cooperate than just obey.
- For example, if you and your partner notice that you two are arguing over the same issues over and over again, ask, “What can we do to fix this problem together? ”
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Speak clearly and honestly. Even when you are very depressed, you should avoid sarcastic or condescending statements, as these are hurtful and misleading ways of communicating. Instead, you should be clear and honest about your thoughts and needs.
- For example, if you have a friend who is often late to your outings, express how you feel without being sarcastic. A poor response in this case might be: “Oh, that’s surprising. At least this time you’ll only be late for half of the meal.” [25] X Research Sources
- Instead, try saying something like this: “When I make an appointment and you don’t show up on time, I feel like you don’t value our time. I’d be happier hanging out with you than if you showed up on time for my appointment.”
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Use assertive body language. There are many ways of non-verbal communication. And your body movements reveal your attitude when interacting with others. You can use comfortable body language to convey how you feel. Examples of assertive body language include: [26] X Research Source
- Eye contact. Apply the 50/70 rule: maintain eye contact at least 50% of the time when you speak, and 70% of the time when you hear the other person speak. [27] X Trusted Source Michigan State University Extension Go to Source
- Smooth, easy movements. Assertive body language should not be tense, closed or withdrawn, but should be calm and smooth. Avoid pointing movements, but open the palm. Try not to stir much.
- Open pose. Keep your shoulders back and your face facing the person you’re talking to. Place your weight evenly on your legs instead of on one side. Spread your feet about 10-15 cm apart and do not cross your legs. [28] X Research Sources
- Relax your mouth and jaw. Tightening of the lips or clenching of teeth indicates tension, discomfort, or aggression. [29] X Research Source Relax your mouth and jaw, and express your emotions with facial expressions (smiling when happy, frowning when upset, etc.)
Avoid Arrogant Attitude
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Compare arrogance and assertiveness. Assertiveness is the way in which you stand up for your thoughts and needs, while arrogance is an aggressive, overbearing style of thinking and behavior that infringes on the rights of others and puts others down. to promote yourself. Arrogant people express their thoughts and needs at the expense of others. Arrogant people often don’t admit their flaws and mistakes. [30] X Research Source
- Arrogant people often appear very confident from the outside (that is, they rely on their own views to read other people’s thoughts about them). While this type of confidence is not inherently negative, it can cause arrogant people to put their own self-esteem above the feelings of others.
- Arrogance is a form of aggression that often makes others extremely uncomfortable, even resentful, or angry after dealing with an arrogant person. When feeling threatened, arrogant people often attack or scold others. [31] X Research Source
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Be aware of arrogant behaviors. Arrogant behavior also expresses thoughts, needs, and feelings, but in a way that is disrespectful or demeaning to others. While the main body of an arrogant statement can be the same as an assertive statement — such as, “I don’t want to do it” — arrogant behavior does not demonstrate sympathy or responsibility. Here are some examples of arrogant behavior: [32] X Research Source
- Using language that is inappropriate for others
- Making others feel inferior and worthless
- Using a mocking or condescending tone
- Threats
- Focus on reprimanding
- Attack others
- Protect yourself but don’t think of others
- An example of arrogant behavior is shouting inappropriate names or language at someone who interrupts you in line; or you tell the person how stupid they are and threaten them if you ever see them again.
- If the situation is reversed when you are the one who accidentally interrupts, the arrogant behavior is to blame someone else or use a condescending tone like, “Oh, if you don’t want me to come in line then you have to make it clear that Are you waiting in line?”
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Do not belittle and put down the other person. Putting others down or belittling them prevents effective communication. Even if they are at fault and hurt you, you should avoid using offensive or low-key language.
- For example, an arrogant way of communicating with a roommate might be: “You are as dirty as a pig! Why don’t you keep the place clean?” Meanwhile, assertive communication might be, “You can do whatever you want in your own space, but I hope you try to keep the space between you and me neat.”
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Listen to the opinions of others. Arrogant people often insist on making situations around them: how they feel, how they think, and how they experience the situation. Avoid arrogance by listening to others when they talk about their thoughts, needs, and feelings.
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Avoid sentences with the subject being the other person. Such statements will sound like statements that you may not be able to prove. You can only speak confidently and accurately about facts – like the scheduled time of an appointment, for example – and about your feelings and experiences. Use “I” statements whenever possible, and talk about the facts of the situation instead of making statements about the other person’s intentions.
- For example, avoid using reprimanding language like “You’re pissing me off!” Instead, use sentences with the pronoun “I,” for example, “I feel so depressed right now.”
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Don’t threaten the other person. Intimidation and intimidation have no place in assertive communication, but often occur in arrogant communication. As an assertive person, your goal should be to make others feel comfortable because they know you will be honest with them. Threats scare people, frustrate them, and they kill effective communication.
- Threat language often includes reprimand. For example, if you ask your group something to which no one answers, an aggressive response might be, “Does everyone even understand?” Instead of making threats or scolding, you should rephrase the question: “Did I explain this concept clearly?” [33] X Research Sources
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Avoid using inappropriate language. In addition to obviously bad language such as swearing, insults, and cursing, you should also avoid generalizing or lumping words. [34] X Research Sources This type of language is often expressed in sentences with words like “always” or “never” or generalizations about the other’s intentions.
- For example, imagine you have a colleague who frequently forgets to pick you up in the parking lot. The arrogant response might be: “You never remember to pick me up at the parking lot, you make me so angry. I don’t understand how there is such a simple thing that you can’t remember.” Meanwhile, an assertive response might be: “Twice last week you forgot to pick me up from the parking lot. I feel very discouraged and nervous every time he forgets for fear of being late for work. Could you try harder to remember to pick me up? If not, then I will have to have another plan.”
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Avoid aggressive body language. Aggressive body language communicates as much as the use of words. To avoid appearing arrogant, you should pay attention to your body language and avoid the following gestures: [35] X Research Source
- Invasion of private space. Apply the “one meter rule” in public and in office situations. Don’t get any closer than that unless you’re invited, for example, you’re on a date or someone asks you for help.
- Aggressive gestures. Pointing or raising a fist is the number one culprit here.
- Crossed arms. While crossing your legs is a sign of a lack of confidence, the crossed arms gesture indicates a person who doesn’t want to communicate.
- Grind or squeeze your jaw. If you push your jaw too far forward or clench your jaw, you appear arrogant or hostile.
- Takes up too much space. This is more common in men than in women. Body language that takes up a lot of unnecessary space can indicate arrogance rather than confidence. You can occupy the space you need to be comfortable, but don’t invade other people’s space.
Advice
- Arrogance includes feeling superior, elite, bourgeois, or conceited. If you have any of the above, you are more likely to be perceived as rude to others than communicating with sincerity through assertive communication and active listening. Even the most adept at communicating assertively have moments of weakness when they let go and need to find their way back. This is nothing to be ashamed of; you just keep going.
- Openness and respect in assertive communication often work wonders, but sometimes you come across people who refuse to cooperate no matter what approach you take. You can only control your own behavior, so stay assertive and try to ignore the troublesome behavior of others.
- If you’re not making the progress you’d like, you may need to seek formal assertiveness training. Many counselors and therapists can help, often community health providers can also help.
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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 23 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 5,439 times.
Assertiveness expresses your needs frankly to yourself and to others. An assertive communication style as well as assertive behavior can make you feel more fulfilled and fulfilled. It also helps you exude confidence, making others comfortable and confident when interacting with you. While assertiveness in communication is sometimes misinterpreted as arrogance, selfishness, and worthlessness, if you know how to set clear boundaries, communicate your needs and ideas with ease. With understanding and respect, you can enhance your relationships with others, whether that person is a colleague, friend, or the “object” of your affections.
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