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This article was co-written by Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA. Julia Lyubchenko is a consultant psychologist and hypnotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Operating a practice called Therapy Under Hypnosis, Julia has over eight years of experience in counseling and psychotherapy, specializing in emotional and behavioral issues. She holds a certificate in clinical hypnosis from Bosurgi Method Schop and is certified in Hypnotherapy and Psychodynamic Oriented Psychotherapy. Tri holds a master’s degree in counseling psychology and marriage and family therapy from Alliant International University and a master of science degree in child and developmental psychology from Moscow State University.
There are 11 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 13,621 times.
Do you have a friend, relative, or lover that is difficult to get along with? Do you feel belittled or manipulated around them? If that’s the case, then you may be dealing with toxic people in your life. For toxic people, you need to take special measures if you want to continue to be in a relationship with them. There are a few techniques that you can use to take care of yourself and deal with a toxic relationship.
Steps
Identify toxic people in life
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Watch for the basic signs of a toxic person. Toxicity can manifest in many different ways. [1] X Research Source Maybe your friend is a toxic person without your knowledge. Here are a few signs of someone behaving maliciously:
- They are always creating and obsessing over problems with other people.
- They try to manipulate and control you.
- They are needy and demand your attention.
- They are critical of themselves and others.
- They are not willing to seek help or try to change.
- They are extremely disrespectful and always seem to just want to do their own thing.
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Be careful with people who often get angry. Another form of toxicity is constant anger. This type of person is very annoying and will resent you for the smallest things. You will feel as if you need to be extra careful to prevent them from getting angry with you. You need to know the characteristics of angry people so that you can learn how to respond appropriately. Here are a few signs of a hot-tempered person: [2] X Research Source
- Yelling at others.
- Threaten others.
- Interrogate others with hostile questions.
- Often uses heavy, intense language.
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Beware of people who are always pessimistic and let you down. Another form of toxicity manifests in pessimistic people. [3] X Research Sources This type of person always has a negative view of the world. This perspective spreads to every aspect of their lives and they have trouble being positive. They are people you can hardly get close to because they have a lot of negative thoughts. Victims are usually:
- Constantly complaining about his life.
- Never be satisfied with the way you treat them.
- Can’t contribute anything positive to the relationship.
- Constantly cynical and having unwarranted negative feelings about others.
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Evaluate how you feel around other people. A helpful way to determine if someone is toxic is to pay attention to how you feel around them. [4] X Research Sources You can “check out” at certain times when around these people. You should ask yourself the following question:
- Am I feeling exhausted at the moment? Is the person draining his or her emotions?
- Am I trying my best not to make them angry? Am I afraid that I will say something wrong because they will react negatively?
- Am I ignoring my own inner voice? Is that person making it difficult for me to listen to myself and follow my own values?
- Do I feel small and unimportant around that person?
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Ask someone else’s opinion. Maybe you’re so close to the person that it’s hard to tell if they’re really toxic. Maybe they’re just going through a tough time. You should consult another friend or person with good judgment to see if they think the person is malicious. This method will help you to notice the toxic people in your life.
- Your judgment is a great source of information, but sometimes, when we are so close to a situation, it can be difficult for us to be objective.
Talk to toxic people
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Express yourself effectively. [5] X Research Sources Since stress is common in friendships and romantic relationships, it’s important to express your feelings clearly. When you take responsibility and consider how you’re feeling, you’ll be able to cope with stress smoothly. In addition, communicating emotionally will give the other person an opportunity to express their feelings, and help both of you work through different feelings.
- Start by listening. You should make sure you understand what the person is saying before rebutting with your own opinion.
- Use sentences that begin with the subject “I”. A simple way to avoid becoming overly confrontational is to let the other person know about what you’re experiencing rather than talking about their wrongdoing. For example, you should say something like, “When you’re late for your coffee date, it makes me feel like you don’t value my time,” instead of “You’re always late and this is the best course of action.” very rude”.
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Tell them about the treatment you hope to receive. It sounds pretty weird, but sometimes, people don’t understand what is acceptable behavior. Behavior that is acceptable to one person is likely to upset another. In order for others to understand the behavior you may tolerate, you must be frank and clear.
- For example, if being late for a coffee date upsets you, you should let them know. They may not be aware of the effect their behavior has on you.
- If the person is really toxic, this tactic won’t work, but it’s a good way to set boundaries regardless of the situation.
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Speak firmly and decisively. This action will often be associated with a productive argument, but talking assertively is something you can do on a regular basis, whether you’re arguing or not. Being an assertive speaker will help improve your communication and relationships.
- Try to identify areas where you can improve. Perhaps you are easily intimidated and others tend to trample you, especially if they possess a toxic personality. Identifying the area where you are struggling is the first step.
- Review tactics for specific situations. Perhaps a toxic friend has asked you to borrow money and you have a hard time turning it down. What can you do in this situation? Can you rehearse the simple answer in advance in case they continue to borrow money from you in the future? For example, you could say, “I’m interested in you, but I can’t lend you more money.”
- Practice responding assertively in life. You can use some techniques like the “repetition” technique, which is where you keep repeating your statement if the other person argues with you. Start small if it’s difficult for you, such as saying no (when appropriate) to a relative or other non-toxic friend.
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Protect yourself from harm. You must be aware of what is going on in your relationship with the toxic person. For example, you should avoid accepting everything they say if you know well that they are often harsh with you and like to criticize you. If you decide to continue with these relationships, you should protect yourself by developing an awareness of their words, how they behave in front of you, and how they make you feel. .
- For example, if they conclude about you like “you were never there for me”, analyze their words. Is it correct or not? Can you think of an example to prove it’s not true? Toxic people often like to make exaggerated or “win-win” conclusions. [6] X Research Source You need to think seriously about what they tell you.
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Apologies when appropriate. Even if someone is toxic, this doesn’t mean you’re always right and they’re always wrong. You should admit your mistake and apologize when it feels right. [7] X Research Sources Even if they don’t accept your apology or rarely apologize, at least you know that you did your best to be a good friend or mate.
- You can also leave a positive impression on the person. This is called modeling, or showing them how to behave healthier than they normally do. [8] X Research Sources
Dealing with toxic people
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Set and maintain boundaries. [9] X Research Sources In general, boundaries are important, but they can become especially important when you are dealing with toxic people. Toxic people often take advantage of people whose boundaries are unclear and indecisive. Here are a few ways to help you maintain better boundaries:
- Perceive and act on how you feel. Avoid indulging in the toxic person’s emotional turmoil. Pay attention to your feelings and needs.
- Allow yourself to be tough. Many people feel guilty about setting boundaries that are too hard. However, taking care of yourself is also important. Avoid ignoring yourself for the sake of others. Rejection doesn’t make you the bad guy.
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Listen to your intuition. [10] X Research Sources Some people are more inclined to advocate for toxic people. Deep down, you know well that the person is not nice to you or is taking advantage of you. Avoid rationally analyzing your intuition or defending their behavior. Let your hunches make the final comment, as they know what’s going on and understand your needs better than you think.
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Seek help. You must learn to recognize when enough is enough and when you need to seek help. [11] X Research Resources Contact a close friend or family member you trust to help you. If you want to stay in a relationship with a toxic person, make sure you take advantage of your support system. Make self-care a priority. Sacrificing too much for others is not the best way to help them.
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Take responsibility for your actions. Try to appreciate the type of relationship you have and the impact it has on you. [12] X Source of Research Many people who continue to be friends with toxic people are often “pleasing people,” which means they want to be liked and want to feel as though they are helping others . There’s nothing wrong with being supportive, but it’s a good idea to understand what’s going on so you can build a more realistic picture of the situation. If this situation is hurting you, you need to know. If it allows and prevents others from making changes, you need to know about it, too. You should ask yourself the following questions to determine if you are being unduly supportive:
- Am I the one who usually tries to maintain communication?
- Do I often act as the “mediator,” trying to work through difficult and stressful situations?
- Do I sometimes feel as if I’m stalking the person, dealing with the responsibility, or quietly helping behind their backs to avoid making them angry or confronting them?
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Turn around and walk away. Finally, you will probably need to end the relationship with someone if it is a toxic relationship. Removing another person from life will be a painful experience, but in the case of a toxic person, pain that lasts for a short time is healthier than pain that lasts. [13] X Research Source Allowing toxic people to stay in your life affects your self-esteem, financial situation, emotional balance, and other relationships. If the loss is too great, it may be time to make an escape plan.
Advice
- Respond to hostility with empathy. This exemplary behavior will help you feel more positive about yourself.
Warning
- Avoid joining their game. If you feel like you’re being manipulated, take a step back and assess your contribution to the situation.
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This article was co-written by Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA. Julia Lyubchenko is a consultant psychologist and hypnotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Operating a practice called Therapy Under Hypnosis, Julia has over eight years of experience in counseling and psychotherapy, specializing in emotional and behavioral issues. She holds a certificate in clinical hypnosis from Bosurgi Method Schop and is certified in Hypnotherapy and Psychodynamic Oriented Psychotherapy. Tri holds a master’s degree in counseling psychology and marriage and family therapy from Alliant International University and a master of science degree in child and developmental psychology from Moscow State University.
There are 11 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 13,621 times.
Do you have a friend, relative, or lover that is difficult to get along with? Do you feel belittled or manipulated around them? If that’s the case, then you may be dealing with toxic people in your life. For toxic people, you need to take special measures if you want to continue to be in a relationship with them. There are a few techniques that you can use to take care of yourself and deal with a toxic relationship.
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