How to Avoid Divorce

See them as they are. There are two versions of a person: who they really are, and who they are as you see them. ^[10] Sometimes these two identities almost merge, while, at many other times, they will not. You need to be aware of the other person’s mistakes and shortcomings, and at the same time recognize their good qualities. When you start to become too obsessed with your loved one’s shortcomings, you should remind yourself of the sweet, sympathetic, and affectionate person they can be. Allow the person a fair chance to be heard when they are certain that they can and will change, and are open to the possibility that they will do what they say.

• Asking your partner to change won’t make them or you happy. The person will feel stuck in your demands, and you will be disappointed that they don’t change.
• Do not compare your spouse to others.

Focus on the person’s positive qualities. ^[11] You should think back to a time when you first met and fell in love with your spouse. Recalling this beautiful time will help you see their good side more clearly in the present. If you regularly look for your partner’s flaws, instead of focusing on the positive, you’ll find that they have a lot of flaws.

Empathize with your spouse. You should put yourself in the shoes of the person you love. Do you treat them with the same level of respect you would expect to receive? How do you feel when others want you to make drastic (or even small) changes in your personality? Most of us don’t want to hear that we’ve done something wrong or upset others. ^[12] We become reserved, hurt, and angry.

• Understanding why and how your spouse responds to criticism will help you mitigate your approach. Explaining that you feel attacked or hurt by the other person’s demands will make them soften their approach.

Think about the big picture. ^[13] No one is perfect. You and your spouse need to be honest with each other and with yourself about the real quality, habit, or style that is at the root of the divorce, and which is merely annoying or inconvenient. Maybe you think your spouse snores too loudly; walk like a duck; make many grammatical errors; or modestly dressed. But these factors don’t necessarily put an end to your marriage. Understanding your partner’s limitations and weaknesses, as well as your own, is an important step in restoring a happy marriage.

Accept yourself. Often, our judgmental attitude towards others comes from feelings of disappointment with ourselves. ^[14] You should research why you have high expectations of your spouse, or why you are demanding too much of them. Is it because you are not completely satisfied with yourself personally or professionally? If that’s the case, it’ll be hard for you to accept others as well.

• Lower your expectations of yourself to a realistic level and realize that you and your spouse are both flawed in your own way.
• Don’t expect your spouse to be the only one providing satisfaction.

Add vitality to your sex life. Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. With the possibility of divorce approaching, it will be difficult for you to build a good sex life. ^[15] But physical and emotional closeness go hand in hand, and both are important if you want to prevent divorce.

• Make time for romance. ^[16] Everyone is busy, but scheduling a date night will give you time to set the mood. You can have a romantic candlelit dinner together (whether at a restaurant or at home), go to the movies, or simply go bowling. However, before you go to bed, you need to give your spouse the love and attention they are lacking. Tell him you love him and would love to spend time with him.
• Place scented candles and flowers around the bedroom. Massage your partner’s hands, feet, and shoulders before sex. Stimulating the senses is an important first step in rekindling your partner’s desires.
• If you have a feeling that your sex life is pretty bland, you can try a new position or undergarment. You can also read erotic stories to each other, or watch “adult” movies. Take turns being the facilitator of this process to ensure maximum diversity. ^[17]

Talk about your dreams and desires. ^[18] In addition to talking about needs and everyday situations (“We need to do the laundry”), it is important that you share your fears, hopes, and desires. secretly dream with your partner to build emotional intimacy. You should use phrases like “I/I believe…” or “I hope…” when expressing ideas about the future for you and your spouse. Reflecting on and sharing your feelings and thoughts will help both of you realize that beyond divorce, your marriage still has other possibilities.

• Ask yourself and your spouse questions such as:
  • What wonderful things do I think my spouse is capable of? What can I do to motivate them to achieve the best?
  • Where do I want to travel with my spouse?
  • What do I expect to do with my spouse when I retire?
• Invite your spouse to share your dreams and desires. Thinking and talking about your future together will help you navigate it.
• These conversations should not be used for complaints or negative thoughts.

Identify what needs to be changed. If you’re considering divorce, it’s probably both at fault for contributing to the real problem. Don’t blame your spouse for all the problems in your marriage. You should talk to your spouse so that you can understand each other about what is going wrong, and how to fix it.

• Talk about how you’re feeling with a statement that begins with “I” (yourself), like “I hope we spent more time together,” as opposed to “I /I never want to spend time with you. ^[19] These statements are generally less likely to be viewed as criticism and will have more positive results.
• When you’re unfairly blamed, you need to defend yourself, but don’t fight back when criticized. You should try to see the conflict from your spouse’s toxic perspective. ^[20]

Strengthen your bond with your spouse. Be generous with your compliments and affection. This method will help rekindle the love you both had for each other. You should address your partner’s emotional as well as material needs first. Love that person the way you want to be loved.

• Tell your spouse that you love them every day.
• Surprise your spouse with small gifts they like. You can cook them dinner, buy them flowers, or take them shopping.
• It may take some time for you to rebuild trust and affection for that person. You need to be patient and keep trying.

Ignore the past. Talk to that person about a time when they hurt or hurt you. If you want, you can write the list down on paper. You don’t need to write an exhaustive list, but it should include the most painful memory or experience you and your loved one have had, and possibly spark mutual resentment. The two of you will set up different lists. Take turns talking about the incident. Everyone needs to be aware of how they contributed to the misunderstanding and apologize. ^[21]

• Forgive even if the other person won’t do it.

Be open to change. Accept making a change in routine or interaction if you think it might help you. You should make it clear that you will do your best, but it will take some time for you to get used to them. Then, really do your best in making the change as you promised and expressing your sincerity. Ask the other party to do the same for you.

Attend a consultation. Attending couples counseling with a therapist will help you work through issues with a neutral mediator. A therapist will give you an unbiased perspective and can offer advice on communication strategies, conflict resolution, and general guidance on improving a troubled marriage. ^[22]

• Couples counseling will usually last for an hour, once per week. Seeing a therapist more often leads to more results.
• Group therapy is another helpful type of counseling, and it will introduce many couples going through similar stressors to discuss how they are dealing with problems. Group therapy will provide an opportunity for you to form new understandings and ideas about your relationship.

Recommend trial separation. Trial separation is an informal separation period during which both people will temporarily separate. This measure will give both of you the opportunity to consider how you feel and live your life away from the other person’s constant influence and presence. ^[23] Trial separation can help you and your spouse remember how much you both miss and need each other. There is an old saying “The further away, the more you remember”.

• Your spouse may not agree with the idea of a trial separation. Explain to your partner the benefits of this “rest” and take the time to think carefully about what you both really want from your marriage.

Decide on a trial separation period. Between two and six months is the ideal test separation period. ^[24] If this phase lasts longer, it will be difficult for both of you to reconcile as you and your spouse will begin to settle into a single life.

Set up terms. When you try to separate, there are quite a few financial and lifestyle issues that you both need to come to terms with. You should set the terms of your separation in words to avoid any ambiguity between you and your spouse. ^[25] Important questions you need to ask include:

• Will the two move out separately? Or just one person?
• Where will each go?
• Is it necessary to split or share a bank account? Credit?

Think about your children. If you have children, make sure you talk about this process with them. You should help your child understand the situation and let them know that even if you and your spouse are at odds, you both love them very much. ^[26]

• Children may react poorly to the experimental breakup process. They will become clingy or unwilling to go to school. Older children and adolescents will be socially withdrawn or angry. You should talk to your child’s teacher about the situation in your family so they can watch for signs that your child is behaving erratically.
• Children may believe that the actions they took were the cause of your separation. Let them know the situation between you and your spouse is not their fault and they did nothing wrong to cause it.
• Schedule appropriate care and visitation for your child. You should not move children back and forth between the two places more than once per week, and ensure that their learning process will not be interrupted.

Use your time wisely. No matter what initially caused your internal problem, just because you and your partner separated won’t make it fixable on its own. ^[27] Whether you are a proponent or opponent of experimental separation, you should seek advice from a therapist about why and how your marriage must end in a state of disrepair. Present.

• Ideally, you should continue to attend couples therapy even if you live apart. Trial separation should not be the time when both of you completely stop communicating with each other. ^[28] You should try to identify the difference with the help of a consultant.
• Don’t use the trial separation phase to pretend you’re single. Do not date other people or engage in romantic relationships. The goal of this stage is to find new perspectives on your relationship that only the process of separation can give you.