Dealing with a narcissist: 11 ways to get over them

Are you in the sights of a narcissist? With the constant mind games, emotional abuse, and psychological manipulations of narcissists, it seems impossible to get the upper hand in conversations and interactions with them. Don’t worry – you can completely disarm and outmaneuver a narcissist, as long as you have the right tools in your arsenal. We have gathered in this article many tips and suggestions to help you start dealing with them in order to keep the distance from the narcissist in your life.

Table of Contents

Separating from the narcissist to cut off the source of the narcissist’s raw materials

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Narcissistic feedstocks are the factors that drive narcissists to behave the way they do. This is a psychological term for the response that narcissists constantly need. The narcissist derives this source in a variety of ways, such as bragging, ignoring boundaries, or behaving negatively. ^{[1] X Research Source} You should cut this material by separating from them whenever possible, such as:

Spend more time on yourself instead of being available to serve your narcissist all the time
Stop your narcissist from demanding a larger amount of alimony during divorce proceedings ^{[2] X Source of Research}
Block the phone number of the narcissist parent
Dedicate 100% of effort every day when working with a narcissistic boss ^{[3] X Research Source}

Take time to heal

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Healing the trauma caused by the narcissist is the most effective way to overcome them. The narcissist always craves to be at the center of your thoughts and feelings – it’s the ultimate form of control, after all! Giving yourself time and space to bounce back and move on is the best way to break this bond and get over the narcissist in your life, once and for all. Some effective ways for you to start healing after ending a relationship with a narcissist are:

Write about your feelings and thoughts in a journal.
Remind yourself that their abuse is not your fault
Practice self-care
Get help from a therapist ^{[4] X Cleveland Clinic Trusted Source Go to source}

Take responsibility for yourself in the conflict

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Taking responsibility will help you stay in control of the conversation. Some narcissists find satisfaction in behaving negatively and putting others down. ^{[5] X Research Sources} Instead of confronting them, aim to take responsibility for your mistakes in the situation. ^{[6] X Research Sources} This admission can change the dynamics of a conversation and leave the narcissist by surprise and confusion.

Narcissistic spouse: “This kitchen is unbearably messy. You never clean up.”
You: “You’re right – I said I’d wash the dishes after dinner but forgot about it. It’s your fault!”
Narcissistic parent: “You have so much free time that you never spend time with me.”
You: “I understand how you feel. Last week I didn’t pay attention to the time. I’m sorry I forgot to call.”
Many narcissists have been scolded in the past for any sign of weakness – so they never admit fault for anything. You can take advantage of the conversation by understanding their psychology.

Respond sympathetically and respectfully

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Overcome the narcissist by not stooping to their level. Narcissists draw energy from conflict and will take control of the conversation as soon as you start defending or trying to fight back. Instead, you can take back control by empathizing with them about the situation, so the narcissist will calm down. ^{[7] X Research Sources}

Narcissistic spouse: “How could I forget to come to the office to pick you up! You really can’t believe me!”
You: “You must be very upset because you have to wait for me. I understand why you feel that way.”
Narcissistic Friend: “I can’t believe you couldn’t go to the movies with me yesterday!”
Friend: “I understand it’s boring for you to go to the movies alone.”

Be apathetic when you’re around them

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Narcissists won’t get what they want when you’re unresponsive and unaffected by them. A common tactic for dealing with narcissists is the “gray rock” method – whereby you will be as unconcerned and as detached as possible from the narcissist so that your presence is no different. a “gray rock.” ^{[8] X Research Sources} Here are a few ways to apply this method to everyday life:

Cut a conversation with your narcissist co-worker short by using another job excuse to withdraw.
Ignore your narcissist partner when they try to irritate you.
Stick to the topic when talking to narcissistic parents.

Do not participate in their conversations

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It is very difficult to beat a narcissist in a one-on-one conversation. Narcissists are very good at dominating and controlling the conversation. With their manipulative abilities, they always find a way to turn things against you. By cutting the conversation short and taking a step back, you can actually outrank the narcissist and prevail over them. ^{[9] X Research Source}

“I have to go to the supermarket to buy groceries. I’ll be back later!”
“Sorry, but I have to finish this homework today.
“I have to go – deadlines don’t wait for me!”

Set clear boundaries and enforce them

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Deciding when and how to interact with a narcissist is a great way to stand above them. Narcissists are always looking for ways to irritate you and gain control. By drawing and enforcing clear boundaries, you can deprive them of their sense of control. Think about the type of behavior you don’t accept and walk away from them every time they cross that boundary. ^{[10] X Research Source}

“I don’t accept you cursing me. I will leave the room until you can speak to me respectfully.”
“Creating guilt is childish, and I won’t give in. I’ll stop until you can talk properly.”
“You’re talking to me in a disrespectful tone, and that’s unacceptable. I won’t talk to you again until you can talk to me in a civilized way.”

Don’t let the narcissist know your true intentions and goals

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The narcissist wants you to suffer. They always want to have the upper hand and will use any information about you to their advantage. Keep your cards private and distract them with false statements so they don’t know your true intentions. ^{[11] X Research Source}

If you are divorcing a narcissist, you can say that you want to keep the car to hide your intention to keep the house. The other party may try to sabotage your chances of taking the car as a way to control you without realizing that they have tricked you.

Keep calm

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Narcissists want you to lose your temper when they provoke you. They like to take control of their relationships and try to lure others into toxic conversations in order to prevail. In these conversations, the best way for you to get over your narcissist is to not take the bait in the first place. When they try to escalate, try: ^{[12] X Research Source}

Compliment them (I’m always impressed with how focused and detailed you are.”)
Ask for their opinion (Can you do this another way?)
Use sentences with the subject of “we” (“I think we both said something we both regret.”)

Rely on the support system for reality check

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Narcissists are good at manipulating your emotions or making you doubt your reality. One easy way to get over a narcissist who is trying to manipulate you is to consult your friends and family. Tell them what the narcissist said to you and let them confirm what you have happened.

“Last night Khuong said very harsh words to me, but then said that I was “too sensitive” when I questioned him. So am I overreacting?”
“I met Khanh and talked to her about what I discovered, but she told me I was just imagining it. Do you think so, or is she just trying to trick me?”

Apply a “no contact” rule with them

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Staying away and keeping your own space is the best way to get on top of and out of a narcissist. Narcissists will be happy for them to take control and intrude into your life – but they won’t have both if you cut off these supplies. Adopting a “no contact” rule or removing them from all areas of your life is the most permanent and healthy way to get over a narcissist. ^{[13] X Research Source} You can apply this rule by:

Block them on your phone and social media
Stay away from mutual friends
Don’t allow yourself to think about them ^{[14] X Research Source}
The “no contact” rule may not be a viable option if you’re stuck in an abusive relationship. If you can’t leave your narcissist living next to you right now, start planning for the future. ^{[15] X Research Source}

Advice

No matter how difficult it is, try not to pay attention to what your narcissist has said or done to you. Their behavior is only a reflection of themselves and their toxicity. It says nothing about you.

Steps