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This article has been co-written by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and principal clinician of Astute Counseling Services, a privately held business in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and teaching experience in the mental health field, Rebecca specializes in treating depression, anxiety, phobias, trauma, and interpersonal counseling by providing combines cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and evidence-based treatments. Rebecca holds a bachelor’s degree in sociology and anthropology from DePauw University, a master’s degree in teaching methods from Dominican University, and a master’s degree in social work from the University of Chicago. Rebecca is a member of AmeriCorps and also a professor of psychology teaching at the university level. Rebecca is trained as a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT), clinical trauma therapist (CCTP) and crisis counselor (CGCS). Rebecca is a member of the American Society of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the National Association of Social Workers.
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To spot a controlling person, start by observing their behavior. Notice their mood swings and reactions to simple questions. Watch how they react when you say “no” or when you want to be yourself or do your own thing. Observe how they interact with others, especially in groups of friends. Be wary of abuses of power, especially when interests are shared.
Steps
Check their behavior
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Consider how you feel around people. Is there a relationship that makes you feel frustrated, controlled, inhibited, or simply bored by being dictated by them all the time? (And you feel guilty for always being humble?) Is there someone who makes you feel like you have to be careful to behave properly or appease them? Are there any acquaintances who always seem to “ruffle” you for no reason over the simplest things you say or do? If any of these situations feel familiar, you may be dealing with a controlling person. [1] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to Source
- The person who likes to control can be a man, a woman, or simply anyone. Controlling relationships can be love or casual relationships. You should also be wary of a friend who is jealous and hates your lover, especially if that person is not happy with their current relationship.
- A person with a strong personality is not necessarily a control freak. You can check the following: “Do they allow you to be yourself, or do they unduly influence your behavior?”
- Distinguish someone who has clear boundaries from someone who likes to control by testing their reactions to other topics. If a person is always angry when touched without warning, but does not react in an imposing manner when you change your hairstyle, gain or lose weight… That person has clear boundaries. Others’ private choices about changing religion, eating, dressing, or exercising are also a matter of boundaries. Whether you think you’re right and they’re wrong, someone who is sensitive to these topics often has clear boundaries about what they want to do with their life, and how you treat them and others. Only when they start telling you who you have to be, what to wear, how to feel, and how to behave, are they controlling people.
- Don’t feel bad when you find yourself controlling others sometimes, especially if your parents were like that. On a deeper level, you will feel normal to the environment you grew up in, and it will take a while to stop treating others the way you were raised by your parents. This is an important part of changing your own behavior. If you notice it in time, step back and apologize to the person you crossed the line. This can protect friendships and other relationships in life.
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Pay attention to mood swings. Mood swings are a typical sign of a controlling person. People with mood swings tend to brood over the pain and injustice they have suffered, and seek to heal and improve their condition by controlling others. [2] X Source of Research What could be better than having someone submit to you and have someone else to blame or threaten when you don’t want to face the root cause of your pain?
- Mood swings often sulk or create a gloomy atmosphere in the middle of a happy moment.
- They always show displeasure when people don’t pay enough attention to them and their needs. This is a way of manipulative control that is very difficult to refuse because the person will say they are hurt/sad/hurt…with the aim of making the other person feel sorry.
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Suspect anyone who has a temper and shows it often. Frequent outbursts of anger, especially when accompanied by bullying (cowards trying to manipulate others) or threats (screaming or warning will harm “you” is easier than finding out). about the source of their problems) is a sign of a controlling person. [3] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to the Source Outbursts of anger often happen when you disagree with them (whether you mean it well or just unintentionally), or when you don’t do the right things. what they want (which is sometimes too difficult because many controlling people want you to “read their mind.”) In their mind, you are challenging their authority over you when disagree or don’t do what they want. [4] X Research Sources
- With their mood swings, people who have a temper tantrum will make you very uncomfortable because you “never” know where you are with them. Unfortunately, because of their inability to handle anger, they will take it out on you in the form of physical, verbal, emotional or sexual abuse. Never try to put up with someone who is harming you. They hurt “no” is not your fault. Sadly, it’s possible that someone in the past treated them this way and now they’re repeating the same cycle.
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Think about how they react when asked casual questions. Questions can reveal something about controlling people when they respond in a confusing or condescending manner: [5] X Source of Research
- As noted above, a controlling person thinks you can read their mind. If you ask about mundane things like: what to do together, where to go, what they want… They are easily annoyed because they expect you to understand all of their needs and prioritize them over their needs. your. When you ask, it means that they have to make a decision, while they think that every decision is already available to them and must be convenient for them.
- Controlling people often assume they know what you’re thinking, even when it’s not. They may be confused when the image they default to you is different from what you say. [6] X Research Sources
- Questions can be uncomfortable for people who like to be in control because they want to be in control of the situation and no one else.
- However, the question can also lead the controlling person to think that the person asking the question is in need of guidance and direction because they do not know the answer. This situation can only get worse because the controlling person will find a way to make you guess at his or her decision-making abilities.
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Listen to how they talk to you. These people will try to control you by making you feel like “everything” to them. [7] X Research Source They can flatter you even though the compliments are empty or inaccurate. Often, however, the controlling person will quickly look down on you and act rude, especially when they think you’ve done something wrong. [8] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to Source If you always feel low, embarrassed, ridiculed or upset after that person talks to you, you may be dealing with a controlling person. .
- Example: Chi is someone who always helps Mai feel good about herself and Mai likes to control Chi. Therefore, Mai often tells Chi that Chi is a good friend, but she never considers Chi a close friend even though Chi always considers Mai as her best friend. Thanks to that, Mai has no responsibility but can control Chi.
- Controlling people can put you down or make you feel stupid so you think you need them. Example: Van told his girlfriend that she was overweight and would never find another boyfriend. He said she was lucky to have him. This is abusive and controlling behavior, and you don’t have to put up with it.
- Controlling people are often petty or critical of others as a way to promote themselves and appear superior. In fact, identifying a controlling person is easy if you pay attention to their monologues about how evil, stupid, ridiculous, annoying, etc. others are (as if they weren’t at all). so).
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Watch out for anyone who doesn’t understand or doesn’t accept the answer “no”. [9] X Trusted Source Mayo Clinic Go to the source This person will tend to insist until you get frustrated, turning your staunch rejection into a feeble agreement, then making you feel guilty guilt and shame about themselves. Remember that you have the right to make decisions, including refusing to do what the person asks.
- A common type of control that occurs in love is sexual pressure. [10] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to Source If your partner forces you to have sex when you don’t want to, they’re trying to control your behavior to get what they want. You always have the right to refuse.
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Consider what happened when you wanted to be yourself or do your thing. Do you find yourself “adapting your personality, plans, or views to others”? [11] X Research Source If yes, you are dealing with a controlling person. Here are some signs:
- Does the person ignore or disregard your experience or expression of feelings? Controlling people are “always trying to define your reality”. If you say you’re tired, the person will say it’s not, which is a sign that they’re a control freak. If you tell them you’re upset and they ignore you, they may also be a controlling person.
- How often do you find yourself always looking to change plans for that person? Let’s say you’ve planned your day, and then you get a call from a friend and you tell them about your plans. This friend will want to join your plans and say they don’t fit their time, or that it’s not where they want to be. Soon, your plans will change completely. You’re going to go see a movie you don’t like, at a time that you don’t see fit.
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Evaluate how they deal with difficult situations, joint decision-making, or accountability issues. These are the times when you can accurately identify a controlling person. Unlike a stubborn person (who may insist on their own opinions but not control others, they just want to make their point), a controlling person is incapable of accepting differences. between you and them. In fact, controlling people are always looking to change some aspect of your personality, making you part of a feeble attempt to take control of their life. If relationships are considered democratic, then these people can be considered dictators. It is important that you find a balance in all relationships and the ability to compromise, yield, be flexible with each other, as well as always remember “reciprocal satisfaction new”. [12] X Research Source
- Most control freaks say things like “You’re the problem” or “You’re the problem”. It’s not their fault at all.
- Controlling people often have trouble solving problems objectively and will manipulate the conversation to “blame the other person” when their fault is pointed out. At that point, end the argument and don’t let the person blame you or your credit.
- If you really love this person, their “crucified” view of you will be harder to identify and deal with, as your love will make it easier for you to forgive them.
Observe their interactions
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Notice what happens to your other relationships. When the controlling person is with your friends and supporters, you should be careful. Controlling people will cause trouble between you and those people, spreading rumors, dividing (divide and conquer) and even lie (pretend to be kind) about you to them or about them to you. break the relationship between the two sides. [13] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source
- Their ultimate goal is to isolate you from others so that they can control you with the reality they fabricated. Always be alert, any act of separating or lowering your friends is a red flag. [14] X Research Source
- Controlling people are often jealous for no reason. This is more than just not liking people glancing at you. Controlling people will act like you own them and they have the power to decide who you hang out with, what to do, where to go, and when to get home. [15] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to Source This is by no means endearing nor is it a sign of infatuation: this is control.
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Test the person’s own friendship. [16] X Research Sources Controlling people often don’t have close friends, or rarely associate with people who are more attractive, smarter, or more liked than they are. They are often jealous of famous and successful people, and will criticize those who are respected. Not having close friends can be an additional sign of a lack of tolerance for others and a need for tight control over relationships.
- Relationships and friendships cannot form with a controlling person. They are interactions based on give and take from both sides and always aim for balance.
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Watch out for abuses of power, even when the interests are common. Controlling people often prefer to keep their social and legal relationships tight by any means, including: threats of lawsuits, divorce, manipulating marriages, cohabitation agreements, sharing contracts. cell phone service, misuse of credit cards or similar contracts. Even on social media, they may block or unblock a person instead of completely removing the connection, which can be seen as a way to manage a failed or problematic relationship. This is because controlling and abusive people crave power. [17] X Research Source
- Be suspicious of any excessive generosity from a controlling person in order to impress and manipulate you. By being willing to give you things that make you feel good, they will make you feel like you owe them, even in the long run. They will then use this constraint to control you. [18] X Research Sources
Free yourself from the controlling person
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Accept the person’s nature. “Trust your feelings and always be true to yourself.” If you see these signs in anyone, and you feel terrible around them, it’s time to face them and remove them from your life, or treat them differently. . Also, be kind to yourself. This is not the time to berate yourself for being the joke of a control freak. A controlling relationship can suddenly creep into your life, masked by affection and concern for you that then becomes a weapon to manipulate you when the other person realizes it. you have “hit the trap”. [19] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source
- The stronger you are, the harder it is for that person to control you. This is like a test of their ego. In other words, this can be taken as a compliment to you. You really are a strong and caring person, and that person is targeting you because they admire your qualities but don’t have the courage to be like that.
- Don’t be afraid to turn to trusted people for emotional support. This will help you gain a healthier outlook on life and make you want to find your independence and self-control when you leave the person. Don’t explain to that person your need for change. It will only incite them to control you more because they know what you are up to and their manipulation will soon be exposed. Let’s keep changing.
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Be prepared to set boundaries, state and stand your ground. Be prepared to accept that the person will pressure or accuse you into doing what they want. Ho can use manipulative techniques such as “Sure, you’ll have to agree to…”, or “If you love me, you’ll…” [20] X Research Sources Or they can use methods outright coercion such as: “If you leave then…”, “I need to…”, etc. When you hear these types of statements, don’t retract your boundaries. [21] X Source study
- Always be consistent and say it out loud and clear, like “I won’t accept you controlling my internet usage anymore. If we’re going to be together, you have to respect my privacy.”
- Don’t be surprised by bad reactions when you try to get out of their control. When they realize they are about to lose control, they can develop physical problems that are psychologically rooted: back pain, stomach pain, headache, crying, fainting… This is just one way. to gain control by attracting the attention, empathy, and concern of others. By all means, get them checked out if you’re really interested (a good way to spot their neurotic tendencies), however, don’t just be with them to do what they want.
- Controlling people are often highly manipulative, regardless of their reasons for wanting to control others. They won’t like it when you get up to do things that are important to you. Stay calm in conflicting arguments and don’t get angry. However, they may get angry because you are challenging their control. End the conversation immediately – if they start to show anger – either by walking away, or by saying goodbye and hanging up.
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Don’t try to change them. You know they have a need for control, but you don’t have to find a way to “change them”. Not only can you not change anyone – unless they want to – but you can also make them more manipulative when it comes to explaining your wishes. [22] X Research Source Always remember that this is their problem, not yours. You can adjust your own behavior and problems, but you can’t “change” a controlling person.
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Is a trustworthy person (fair and honest) but always stands his ground against a manipulator and distortion of the truth. Controlling people often want to force you to give out personal information or answer questions about small matters to reveal your bad experiences, weaknesses, and failures. [23] X Research Sources This information can be used to convince or wit you later on (they remember it very well).
- If someone you’ve just met has become close or spoofed your personal information, be suspicious of them. It could be someone who likes to be in control.
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Decide to keep your distance. [24] X Research Sources When possible, avoid people you believe are trying to control you. You may decide to cut off contact with them, but this will not be possible if they are family or co-workers. You can use the following countermeasures:
- Brief communication.
- Avoid confusing and combining individuals’ interests and choices or unreasonably encouraging their control over you. That person wants to find a way to steer your decisions away from their own desires in terms of education, lifestyle, career goals… When they don’t accept and respect your point of view – unless you agree love them – then they are denying you for who you are. Turn the tide by saying: you appreciate their opinion, but that’s what you want. Then you can continue pursuing your goals.
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Have enough compassion. [25] X Research Sources Having compassion is important, but you also have to learn to keep your distance and let go of the person’s views and problems. They are none of your business and you don’t need (nor deserve) to shoulder their problems. We need to learn how to make our strengths shine; When you justify other people’s controlling behaviors that they’ve had a bad life or the like, you’ll only encourage more bad behavior that’s hurting them and you. When you have enough compassion, you can care for them without hurting your feelings and falling into their trap.
- When you have reasonable compassion, you will care for the person but still realize that their behavior was wrong, and you cannot forgive that. You don’t support their behavior or allow it to continue in your life. [26] X Research Source For example, if your friend is trying to control who you hang out with, tell her: “I appreciate you but I can’t be friends with someone who won’t let me play with anyone else. If you can be more comfortable and open with me, we can still be friends. If you continue like this, our friendship will be over.”
- This is not something you can learn right away, and you will fail many times in the process. However, you will also learn with practice, and the more you practice, the freer you will feel. You will also learn how to leave others alone without trying to save or change them. While it’s not easy, it’s easier than being an emotional slave to someone else for the rest of your life.
Advice
- If you’re a strong person, you’ll feel a bit weird because you almost never do the right thing around that person, especially when it comes to topics that the person feels confident about or knows well. Listen to these feelings, they appear to help you. Otherwise, for a while, you will be just a shadow of the person you intended to be. Don’t let that happen.
- Don’t let the person pressure you or make you powerless. No matter if you have a difficult time financially or life in general after leaving that person, your QUALITY of life will be worth the cost.
- Don’t let the person know about your unusual experiences or secret thoughts, they may use them against or control you. Those thoughts will often be used to isolate you, causing others to no longer love or trust you. Whether they say such things to your face or behind your back, they may be trying to corner you – to pull your strings like a puppet – to be your only “friend” (“teacher”). .
- Remember that you can’t control other people, but you can control how you react to them. Make sure to handle things the way you trust, but don’t treat them the way they treat you to make them understand or to retaliate. This will lead you nowhere.
- If you’re isolated or forced to spend time with each of “their” friends and family, it shows that they don’t respect your feelings and wishes.
- A controlling and powerful person may use others to control you. They may force others to ask how you feel about them. You will feel something is not right. Don’t get drawn into overly detailed conversations with third parties if you suspect they’re doing it on purpose, always be general and general.
- Dependent people will attract co-dependents. If you have a disability, or have financial problems, or have other serious problems, chances are you will be dependent on controlling people for survival needs. It can be difficult to get rid of them when they are responsible for your benefits or medications. Record everything and find similar services or healthier people. In some places, the government or some organizations may intervene when social workers, health workers or maids have controlling and limiting behaviors in your life.
- Disability should be considered. Some people with disabilities may always change their plans or be unable to keep up with the things you want to do. If they turn down a lot of things and offer to do things you don’t like, find out why. Test this friendship by bringing up issues that are personal to you, such as hair, clothes, or anything that has nothing to do with them. Since many people are allergic to many scents and perfumes, if someone tells you not to use a certain shampoo, or not to wear perfume when visiting their house, it’s a matter of boundaries. However, if they say you MUST use the scent they want, this is a matter of control.
Warning
- Set clear boundaries about what you accept and disapprove of when dealing with a controlling person. They will break boundaries to test you. Stay steadfast and don’t back down.
- If you find yourself replacing your interests with theirs, or giving up certain habits and friends, you are in for a controlling relationship.
- Watch out for people who flirt with your feelings so you trust them from the very beginning of your friendship. For example, they might say: they had a hard life because of being bullied 6 years ago, and they can only count on you — and at the same time, force you to talk about difficult experiences. mine. After finding out the hurt that other people caused you, they will constantly bring them out: “How does it feel to be betrayed? Don’t you think you did something wrong to get this?” They’ll be honest and kind at first, but then they’ll bring those things up and use them to put you down, until you agree with them. This is a kind of wits, making you think of yourself the way they want you to. You’ll often find yourself sad, angry, and inferior every time you talk to them, and they’ll convince you to do things they know you don’t like. You can tell the difference between this and healthy sharing. Often, after sharing painful experiences with each other, people feel better and more understood. When it doesn’t feel like that, be careful because the person may be playing a game of wits with you.
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This article has been co-written by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and principal clinician of Astute Counseling Services, a privately held business in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and teaching experience in the mental health field, Rebecca specializes in treating depression, anxiety, phobias, trauma, and interpersonal counseling by providing combines cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and evidence-based treatments. Rebecca holds a bachelor’s degree in sociology and anthropology from DePauw University, a master’s degree in teaching methods from Dominican University, and a master’s degree in social work from the University of Chicago. Rebecca is a member of AmeriCorps and also a professor of psychology teaching at the university level. Rebecca is trained as a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT), clinical trauma therapist (CCTP) and crisis counselor (CGCS). Rebecca is a member of the American Society of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the National Association of Social Workers.
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To spot a controlling person, start by observing their behavior. Notice their mood swings and reactions to simple questions. Watch how they react when you say “no” or when you want to be yourself or do your own thing. Observe how they interact with others, especially in groups of friends. Be wary of abuses of power, especially when interests are shared.
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