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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
This article has been viewed 17,655 times.
Dealing with an angry person is no fun. It feels even worse if the person is your boyfriend, and the anger causes him to say harsh and hurtful words or actions. Whether it’s swearing, insults, or yelling, dealing with an angry boyfriend can often be extremely stressful. But either way, by being firm and calm in handling his anger, you can shape a more respectful, positive, and healthy relationship.
Steps
Calm the situation
- This tactic does not always work, as it is sometimes difficult to think calmly when angry. If this doesn’t work, there are other ways to keep your anger from growing.
- Be as specific as possible, and avoid using old-fashioned phrases like “I understand.” This doesn’t show real understanding and seems superficial.
- Instead, try saying something like, “I know you’re upset that I didn’t call you back.”
- Continue to focus on your boyfriend’s anger. Don’t redirect the conversation towards you with statements like, “I understand because I feel the same way.”
- Try expressing yourself with sentences like “What do I need you to do right now” or “What do you think I should do to solve this?”
- Offers of help can vary greatly. Sometimes just an apology relieves stress, as it shows that you admitted some of your fault in the argument.
- Sometimes helping is beyond your reach. For example, if your boyfriend gets fired from his job and comes back to vent his anger on you, then just say, “I know you’re mad about losing your job, and I wish I could help you, but it’s out of my control. mine.”
- Sometimes it can be helped but you decide not to, and that’s completely acceptable. Supposing if your boyfriend wanted you to take a break from school or work to go out with him, you could say, “I’m sorry. I wish I had time to hang out with you today, but I can’t give up my duty.” You shouldn’t say “I don’t want to.”
- Everyone has a different sense of humor, but you can try making jokes with statements like “This is beyond my ability – let me consult my other personality,” or “I Sorry for forgetting to call you. At that time, I was busy struggling with my stupid head.”
- Avoid using this method if he is making fun of you in a malicious and hurtful way, because it only backfires and can trigger more insults.
Set limits
- Insults not only cause painful emotional wounds but are also silently destructive in the long run, because it hurts your self-esteem and makes you dependent on your boyfriend.
- Never blame yourself for your boyfriend’s harsh words, and don’t start to think he’s right. Let’s say your boyfriend calls you fat when you’re arguing, don’t believe it.
- You could say something like, “I know you’re upset that I didn’t call you back, but I don’t accept your swearing because it makes me uncomfortable to hear those words.”
- Try saying, “I won’t let you yell at me. I get angry when you yell at me, and it doesn’t help. I’ll tell you after both you and I calm down.”
- If your boyfriend denies that you didn’t scream, have a tape recorder ready to listen to later. When you replay the tape, gently explain that you’re not talking about what he said on the tape, you’re just playing it back to let him know how loud you were.
- Tell your boyfriend how you feel when he puts all the blame on you. For example, you could say, “I feel really upset when you blame me for everything between you and me.”
- Next, use a sentence with the subject “I” to tell your boyfriend that you will no longer accept the blaming behavior. Say, “I don’t think blaming each other is going to solve the problem. From now on, I won’t accept you blaming me to vent.”
Control your emotions
- It’s not always easy to empathize with someone who’s acting rough and hot, but by seeing their anger differently, you can keep yourself from falling into a defensive attitude.
- Try saying things like, “He’s working hard,” or “That’s just his way of coping.” That way, you won’t feel like you’re being blamed.
- Just because you sympathize with your boyfriend’s anger doesn’t mean you accept it. Once you understand that it’s not your fault, find healthy ways to deal with the problem, such as setting limits or temporarily avoiding it.
- For example, if you feel guilty about telling your boyfriend you can’t help him, say to yourself, “I wish I could help him, but I need to take care of myself. myself, even though I know he’s still angry.”
- Avoid sentences that begin with the phrase “I always…” and don’t criticize or mock your boyfriend’s behavior. Such sentences are based solely on anger and only add fuel to the fire.
- You can list your boyfriend’s triggers (or things that annoy him) and observe how your behavior affects him.
- Don’t stoke your or your boyfriend’s anger. Don’t intentionally “poison” him.
- Practice saying “I” sentences over and over again when you are not angry so that such sentences come naturally and become part of your speech.
- When you share your feelings in this way, you’ll not only be able to express your feelings, but you’ll also help increase intimacy with your boyfriend.
- This method can help calm anger and focus on what you want instead of focusing on hurtful words.
Advice
- Don’t try to reason with someone who’s raging. Instead, avoid walking away and wait until the situation calms down to set limits and solve the problem.
- Some guys have a tendency to change their behavior in front of others so as not to come across as “rude”. If your boyfriend is one of these, talk about sensitive issues in public so he can stay calm.
- Sometimes an objective mediator can help. Try asking a mutual friend, relative, counselor, or someone you both trust. There’s also a lot of information online on how to deal with anger gently that you can find out.
Warning
- Healthy relationships should be comfortable and fun; Your boyfriend should never feel embarrassed or upset about you, and you should never be afraid to express yourself. If it’s the other way around, it’s a sign of emotional abuse.
- Do not tolerate physical or verbal abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship, get help right away.
- Do not let anger smolder in your heart; because at some point it will overflow. Allow your boyfriend to vent his anger in a healthy way, and remember that it’s okay to let go of disagreements.
This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
This article has been viewed 17,655 times.
Dealing with an angry person is no fun. It feels even worse if the person is your boyfriend, and the anger causes him to say harsh and hurtful words or actions. Whether it’s swearing, insults, or yelling, dealing with an angry boyfriend can often be extremely stressful. But either way, by being firm and calm in handling his anger, you can shape a more respectful, positive, and healthy relationship.
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