How to Save a Relationship

Consider consulting a professional. If you’re trying to save your relationship, it’s also a good idea to seek professional help. A counselor can help you decipher the problems you’re facing, especially when you feel like you can’t be in the same room anymore.

Be honest with each other. Being honest is also a way of being receptive, and by doing so you show the other person that you trust him. You should try expressing your thoughts and feelings. When you’re willing to open up, you’re encouraging the other person to participate, and asking them to be as honest as you are. However, it is important that you continue to say sentences with the subject of you to express your feelings instead of blaming the other person. ^[11]

• For example, when talking to the other person, you shouldn’t say, “I never made you a priority.” Instead, say, “Sometimes I feel like I’m being neglected in my relationship with you.” That way you are expressing your feelings instead of pointing your nose at the other person. ^[12]

Let’s cooperate. Instead of each person standing aside to argue, both need to work together. Both should work together to solve problems, treating each other as teammates rather than rivals. However while looking for cooperation, you must also try to find a solution. That means the two sides need to first agree on defining the problem. ^[13]

• Once you both realize the problem, you also need to talk about what is hidden inside that both of you are confused. Maybe each person knows what “winning” is like, but if both aim to win, no one will win in the end. Instead, state why you want to use the solution. ^[14]
• You should also find consensus on the problem and how to solve it. For example, if you two disagree about who should do the housework, you should at least agree that housework needs more attention. That is the starting point. ^[15]

Discuss solutions. This step is probably the hardest part when it comes to coming up with mutually acceptable solutions. This means that the two of you agree on what is the main problem in your marriage and come up with ways that you both can work together to improve the relationship. Basically the two of you need to compromise. Blaming each other won’t help, as both have contributed to the situation. ^[16]

• Compromise means being open about what both of you need and want in a relationship. This step is important because the two of you can then determine what each side needs to reserve, and what the two sides can compromise. ^[17] Compromising means making concessions when possible.
• Specific solutions will work. For example, maybe you’ve identified that one of your main problems is not spending enough time together. The solution to this problem might be to both agree to go on a date once a week, in addition to trying to have lunch together at least three times a week.
• Maybe the problem is partly financial. Sit down together and agree on a budget where you compromise on things that you both value. For example, if you are a thrifty person and want to save every penny, while your partner likes to enjoy lavish vacations, then the two of you should reconcile by arranging annual vacations each year. more casual vacation in terms of budget permitting.
• Division of housework. Even a small thing can become a big problem if a person feels like he has to do all the housework. Talk openly about dividing the housework fairly and scheduling who does what and when.

Learn to forgive. If you want to move on, you’ll have to forgive each other for the hurt you’ve caused. This doesn’t mean you have to completely forget everything that happened or even say it was nothing. That means you need to be aware of the hurt you’ve suffered. You need to know that the other person made a mistake, and that you both learn from it. In the end, you need to accept that it happened and you should keep moving forward. ^[18]

• Most mistakes stem from needs that people want to be met. Being aware of that can help you learn from what happened. ^[19]

Calculate what will happen in the future. Once problems and solutions have been identified, both need to formally commit to implementing those solutions. Solutions need to be specific and both acceptable. ^[20]

• If you find your solutions don’t work after a while, you can discuss them again and try another way. ^[21]

Don’t forget boundaries. Once you have a plan to move forward, don’t forget to set boundaries. Yes, you forgive each other for what happened, but you should also set limits so that those mistakes don’t happen again. ^[22]

• For example, if one of you cheated after going to a certain club, then obviously it makes sense to set a limit that the person shouldn’t go back there again. You can raise this issue by saying, “The past incident made me uncomfortable when you went to that club. If you insist on going there, that will be a barrier for me.”

Think about what brings you together. When your relationship is strained, you may forget why you two got together in the first place. Take some time to think about what made you like him or her in the first place. ^[23]

• Maybe she’s always making you happy, or he’s always calling to see if you’re home safely. Think of all the little things that made you fall in love with the other person. One way to reminisce about the past is to look at old photos of the two of you together. ^[24]

Make sure both are open to change. If your main purpose is to protect yourself from suffering and anger, you will not be open to change. Then it seems that you want to control your partner to exercise that protection, which makes your relationship negative and confining. On the other hand, if you’re both willing to learn and progress together, your relationship will become more mature over time. If only one of them is willing to change, this goal may not be achieved. ^[25]

Focus on the good things. Think about what you love about your partner. Take time each day to write down five things about the other person that you love or are grateful for. Try to turn that thought into words and actions by showing gratitude to the person. ^[26]

Understand each other’s love language. Each person experiences love in a unique way. Gary Chapman has broken down five ways people experience love, or five love languages. If you’ve never taken the time to learn each other’s love languages, now is the time to do so. You can find quizzes online to find out what your love language is. ^[27]

• The first love language is affirmations, which means you feel loved when you hear compliments. ^[28]
• The second love language is service related, meaning you feel love when someone takes the time to help you with household chores. ^[29]
• The third love language is gifts. It means that you feel loved when you receive emotional gifts from people close to you. ^[30]
• The fourth love language is time. With this love language, you feel loved if your partner spends time with you. ^[31]
• The ultimate love language is touch. In other words, you feel love if your partner shows affection by kissing you, holding you in his arms, or cuddling you. ^[32]

Apply the love language. When you interact with each other, you try to use the other person’s love language to show that you care. If your partner has a love language of service, try doing small things around the house, or taking her car to the wash to show you care. If your partner’s love language is time, then you should find a way to spend time with him/her regularly. ^[33]

Take the time to connect with each other. Just like when you first met, you need to spend time together in your own world. You may think you know all about your partner, but people can still surprise you even after many years. Every day you should spend time talking and asking about his (or her) life, thoughts and feelings. ^[34]

• One way to discover something new about your partner or lover is to try a class like cooking or dancing. The two of you will have new experiences together and rekindle the old flame of love.

Enjoy the fun together. While your interests may change, you should still make time to do the things you both wanted to do together in the past. If you used to enjoy cooking Vietnamese dishes together, try returning to that hobby. If you used to practice long distance running before, but now you feel that your body is no longer the same as before, take up the challenge. With the determination to return to the things that inspired you before, you will rekindle the passions of the past. However, it doesn’t have to be something you both like. You can also try to find new hobbies. ^[35]

Body contact. Remember to connect through touch, not just sex. When you’re together, hold hands, caress, or hug. Touch her hand when you hear her talk. Rub his knees when you’re sitting next to each other. Touch is an important factor in maintaining intimacy, but over the years it can gradually fade away due to the mundane day-to-day routines. ^[36]

Maintain communication. Once you’ve started doing it this way, you might think that your problems can be fixed by just sitting down and talking once in a while. However, maintaining a relationship means constantly communicating with each other and talking about what’s going on and how you’re feeling. ^[37]

• Communication is especially important when you’re feeling angry and just want to talk to the other person. Instead of getting angry, stop for a moment and take a breath. Once you’ve calmed down, say why you’re upset and what to do now.

Try to save it while you’re still in love. You two had a reason to be together, and it was the seed of love that kept you together for so long. If love is still felt, then it’s well worth the effort to find ways to communicate and get along. Many love relationships go wrong at times. Repairing a relationship takes a lot of work, but it’s worth the effort if you know that there’s still room for that person in your heart.

Consider healing if your “half” wants to. Maybe you’re the one who’s standing on the edge of wanting to let go of the relationship, but your partner or lover is trying to hold on. If the two of you have been together for a long time, it may be worth the effort to mend. You can see his love for you and will have faith that even though you are going through a difficult time right now, things will get better. Consider your options to see if it’s worth the effort for that person.

Allow yourself to stop trying if you think it’s time. No matter how good things used to be, or how earnestly one party wants to continue the relationship, sometimes it’s clear that things have come to an end. If you’ve worked hard to save the relationship but you no longer feel the love, or are no longer determined to rekindle the flame of love, you may not need to force yourself to keep trying. Don’t drag on from month to year and blame yourself for not being able to handle it. It is normal to choose happiness without choosing to sacrifice. When one person is already indifferent in the relationship, ending is better for both.