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This article was co-written by John Keegan. John Keegan is a New York-based marriage and love expert and motivational speaker. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his knowledge of marriage and love, attraction and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and gives seminars on marriage and love internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York and Men’s Health.
This article has been viewed 15,880 times.
What do you do when you have a big argument with your girlfriend? Maybe you both feel resentful, angry, or annoyed. If you want to maintain your relationship, there are ways to mend it. Start by understanding the argument, then use love and tolerance to resolve the situation..
Steps
Handling the quarrel
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Calm down. You cannot hope to resolve an argument as soon as it happens. After an argument, it takes time to calm down. It can take a few hours, even days, for you to calm down and deal with your emotions satisfactorily. Take a hike, visit a friend, go to the movies. Engage in relaxing activities until you are calm enough to look at the problem objectively. [1] X Research Source
Don’t: walk away without saying anything.
Do: say “I’m confused and need some time to calm down. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”
Do: say “I’m confused and need some time to calm down. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”
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Analyze the causes of the controversy. Arguments rarely happen without reason. Take the time to analyze what caused the conflict and whether there was anything else you could do about the situation.
- Think back to what happened. Why are you two arguing? What caused the quarrel? What did you say? Do you regret what you said? Why yes or why not? [2] X Research Source
- Always remember that memory is subjective, especially in stressful situations. Maybe your girlfriend remembers a different aspect of the argument than you do. This is normal, and it is unlikely that either of you is being dishonest. It’s just that stress can cause incorrect memories. [3] X Research Sources
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Express your feelings. After an argument, you need to accept and work through your feelings. While we may not like emotions like anger and sadness, it’s more important to acknowledge them than to ignore them. Repressed emotions can make you explode later.
- Accept that emotions are not always rational. Supposedly, if your girlfriend hurt your feelings, rationally thinking that she didn’t mean to do so might not help you let it go. Know that both you and your girlfriend have the right to express how you feel when you disagree, even if the reaction isn’t entirely justified. [4] X Research Sources
Don’t: shout “Why are you behaving like that?!”
Do: say “I’m angry because you didn’t keep your promise yesterday.”
Dispute resolution
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Plan to talk. Once you’ve both calmed down, suggest an opportunity to talk about your conflict. After a big argument, making an appointment to talk is important to make sure both of you are calm when you come into the conversation. [5] X Research Sources
- Choose when to chat with no time limit. Choose a weekday or weekend evening when you both don’t have to work early the next morning. Have a conversation early in the evening around the time after dinner so hunger and sleepiness don’t get in the way of the conversation. [6] X Research Sources
- If the two of you don’t live together, choose a neutral place. While you may feel shy about discussing your relationship in public, a neutral place can ensure no one feels awkward. You can choose a place where there are not many people around, like a large, quiet coffee shop or an empty public park. [7] X Research Sources
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Use open body language. When discussing your conflict, use body language to show that you’re open to talking. This can allow the discussion to proceed in a comfortable and productive manner. [8] X Trusted Source US Gepogical Survey Go to Source
- Eye contact. Nod frequently to show that you are listening. Never cross your arms or make other gestures that make you look tense. Try to avoid stress, like fumbling with your clothes or squirming your hands. [9] X Trusted Source US Gepogical Survey Go to source
- Nod every now and then, as it’s a sign that you’re listening to what she has to say. [10] X Trusted Source US Gepogical Survey Go to source
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Use good verbal communication skills. When talking about an argument, communicate reliably with words. Your girlfriend needs to know you’re open to solving the problem, so make sure you communicate effectively with her about the consequences of the argument.
- Be clear and concise when speaking. Don’t go into too much detail and try to get straight to the point about what you’re about to say. Don’t interrupt when your girlfriend is talking. Regularly ask her if she understands what you are saying. Ask clearly when she says anything you don’t understand. [11] X Trusted Source US Gepogical Survey Go to source
- Say sentences with the subject “you”. This ensures that you are expressing your own feelings rather than making an objective assessment of the situation. For example, instead of saying, “You overreacted because you were late and embarrassed me with your friends,” say something like, “I feel embarrassed that you raised your voice in front of your friends because you came. late.” [12] X Trusted Source US Gepogical Survey Go to source
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Acknowledge your girlfriend’s feelings. We often get annoyed when we feel someone won’t acknowledge our feelings in a romantic relationship. Even if you don’t agree with your girlfriend’s assessment of an event, try to make her feel her feelings acknowledged. Often, the simple act of allowing someone to feel how they feel relieves stress. This releases pent-up negative energy and will make your girlfriend feel like you sincerely care about making her happy. [13] X Research Source
Don’t: say “I’m sorry, but I was just joking.”
Do: say “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry to have upset you.” [14] X Research Source
Do: say “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry to have upset you.” [14] X Research Source
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Find points of disagreement. Most couples will have some issues with things they can’t agree on. This is normal, as humans are unique. Think of the argument as an opportunity to find out what’s different between the two of you and a way for the two of you to come together from these differences. If the two of you have different expectations about your time together, your relationship in general, or your lifestyle, it’s important to identify them and find a solution.
- Realize if you can find out if there was an underlying issue that led to the argument. If you have a big argument, there’s no doubt that it’s not just a minor issue. Try to find the point of disagreement and what you can do to mediate it. Sometimes, just acknowledging that the two of you perceive a problem differently can help ease the tension. Both of you will no longer see things personally if you understand the difference in your personality mindset. [15] X Research Source
Don’t: force your girlfriend (or yourself) to change your mind about disagreements.
Do: come up with ways to limit conflict, like avoiding controversial activities or topics while you’re together.
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Sorry. After thinking about your actions and role in the controversy, apologize for any mistakes. Apologize as specifically and sincerely as possible to demonstrate that you have listened to and understood your girlfriend’s concerns.
Don’t: try to justify your actions with “but…” or refer to your girlfriend’s behavior.
Do: accept her reaction calmly, even if she says “Yes, you’re a jerk.”
Do: accept her reaction calmly, even if she says “Yes, you’re a jerk.”
Prevent future conflicts
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Discussion of the new issue occurred immediately. When you see trouble coming, don’t ignore it. Instead, discuss the problem before it becomes a big deal. This way you can prevent future conflicts from erupting. [16] X Research Source
- Suppressing the situation means that when the next fight occurs, you will end up bringing up things from the past. This can leave your girlfriend feeling attacked and bombarded. When a problem arises, clarify it immediately. Even a small problem can lead to resentment later on. [17] X Research Source
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Find a way to resolve an argument without getting angry. Anger can make it difficult to react rationally. We often yell in anger and alienate our loved ones. Try to work with your girlfriend to find a way to solve the problem without falling into anger. One great way to do this is to spend 5 minutes expressing how you feel when you two have a disagreement instead of fighting over it right away. [18] X Research Sources
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Listen to underlying emotional needs. Conflict often involves the fact that certain emotional needs are being ignored. When your girlfriend is upset or tired of you, try to see if she has needs that you haven’t met. Have you two been apart lately? Have you ever been so busy that you didn’t have time for her? Consider whether you are not meeting your girlfriend’s needs and what you can do to meet them. [19] X Research Source
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Summarize what was discussed to make sure both sides understand each other. After an argument, always take some time to summarize what was discussed. How do you feel? How does your girlfriend feel? How are the two of you willing to deal with the situation to make sure it doesn’t happen again? Taking 5 minutes to summarize the situation after the argument can prevent the argument from happening again. [20] X Research Source
Advice
- Make sure you’re aware of a toxic relationship. When the time it takes to “resolve the conflict” is longer than the time you two have fun together, your relationship may not be worth the effort.
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This article was co-written by John Keegan. John Keegan is a New York-based marriage and love expert and motivational speaker. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his knowledge of marriage and love, attraction and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and gives seminars on marriage and love internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York and Men’s Health.
This article has been viewed 15,880 times.
What do you do when you have a big argument with your girlfriend? Maybe you both feel resentful, angry, or annoyed. If you want to maintain your relationship, there are ways to mend it. Start by understanding the argument, then use love and tolerance to resolve the situation..
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