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This article was co-written by Lisa Shield. Lisa Shield is a Los Angeles-based marriage and love expert. She holds a master’s degree in psychiatry and is a life-relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times and Cosmoppitan have written about Lisa.
There are 8 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 5,253 times.
Have you and your lover just broken up, but in your heart you know that you still have a chance to heal? Try using the no-contact rule to get the person back. The idea of the no-contact rule is that, if you temporarily stop talking to your ex after the breakup, there’s a good chance they’ll miss you and want you back. It also gives you space to heal, so it doesn’t hurt if you want to give it a try! We’ll walk you through the steps to increase your chances of success.
Steps
The beginning of the no-contact period
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Tell your ex that you won’t be in touch for a while. This is a mature and respectful way of starting a no-contact rule instead of cutting off contact without letting the other person know what’s going on. [1] X Source of Research Call or text your ex a few days after you broke up to say that you won’t be contacting them any time soon.
- You can say to your ex, “I don’t think we should talk for a while,” or “You need some alone time.”
- Do not specify how long you will be silent. The uncertainty will make your ex decide if they want to save the relationship.
- Don’t tell your lover that you’re applying a no-contact rule. This method works best if the other person doesn’t know that this is only temporary.
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Think about how long you want the no-contact period to last. If you set a deadline for your silence, you’ll be motivated to maintain the no-contact rule even during times when it seems unbearable. Four weeks is usually considered enough for the person to rethink the breakup if they’re thinking about it. [2] X Research Source Says that, but if you feel like it’s appropriate, then decide.
- It’s up to you to determine the exact end date or not, but you should have a plan in mind so you don’t have to wait forever.
- This time can also change, depending on whether your ex gets back in touch or your feelings change.
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Apply the rule of limiting contact if two people meet in person. There are times when applying a no-contact rule is not possible, such as when two people work at the same office or attend the same school. Under these circumstances, it is more practical to switch to a restriction rule than to change schools or change jobs. [3] X Research Sources The rules for limiting exposure are as follows:
- Avoid starting a conversation with your ex. If they speak first, be brief and polite.
- For example, if the person asks you how you’re doing, respond with, “I’m fine, thanks for asking. Nice to meet you!”
- If you act angry or cold, they may think “that’s it,” and most likely won’t want to get back together.
- You can apply this rule if you’re using the no-contact rule but bump into the person unexpectedly.
Maintain a no-contact period
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Avoid approaching your ex. During non-contact times, try to avoid approaching the person as much as possible. If they contact you first, you may consider responding based on how you feel and your goals with the no-contact rule. If you want your partner back, don’t respond unless they open up an offer to reconnect. [4] X Research Sources
- Try not to answer your ex’s calls or texts that aren’t serious about your relationship.
- If you respond immediately when they contact, the person may think that you will interfere in their life even when you are not together.
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Focus on your own life. When you are in a relationship with someone, you may have had to change some habits in your life. Instead of regretting the habits of when you were still with your ex, take this opportunity to enjoy time for yourself. [5] X Research Sources
- Spend time with family and friends, focus on developing your career and pursuing hobbies or setting new personal goals for yourself.
- Remember that the no-contact rule also helps you heal in the event your ex doesn’t come back.
- Find your own source of joy to get rid of the gloomy mood after a breakup and regain your confidence.
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Use social media and through mutual friends to stay in your ex’s mind. If you’re worried that your ex has forgotten about you during a time of no contact, you can show up on their social media feeds or through mutual friends so your ex will always remember you. [6] X Research Sources
- Try posting fun activities you participate in online so that your ex misses the old days, when they were a part of your vibrant life.
- Try to stay in touch with mutual friends so they can tell your story about you.
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Don’t badmouth your ex. It’s easy to whine to your friends and on the internet how angry you are with your ex for leaving you. Don’t forget that these words can reach that person’s ears. If they find out that you talk bad about them behind their back, it will be hard to convince them to come back. [7] X Research Sources
- You don’t have to praise your ex. Try to keep a calm or positive attitude about the person.
- For example, if someone asks if you’re friends with your ex, just say, “We don’t really talk right now, but maybe someday!”
End of no-contact period
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Find your ex after the time of no contact. After about 4 weeks (or as long as you decide) without your ex contacting you first, you can try reaching out to them. Instead of making it clear that you intend to get back together, imagine you are talking to an old friend about something that reminds you of your ex. [8] X Research Sources
- First, acknowledge your silence with something like, “Sorry I’ve been quiet lately. I just want to be alone for a while.”
- Then, bring up a fond memory like “I just passed our favorite restaurant the other day” or “I just finished the TV show we watched the first episode together.”
- Then, try switching to an informal conversation with something like, “I miss you. How are you these days?”
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Meet up with your ex to talk about a previous breakup. After contacting your ex, you will have to deal with this important and difficult issue. You should meet your partner in person to talk: no one wants to break up over the phone, and no one wants to talk about it over the phone. [9] X Research Source
- You can start by saying, “It’s been a pleasure talking to you again. Do you want us to go out for coffee or eat sometime?”
- When you two meet and talk a few sentences, you can bring up the recent breakup with a question like “Where do you think our relationship went wrong?”
- Listen and respond to your ex’s opinions in a gentle way. Continuing to argue won’t fix anything!
- For example, if your ex says they feel unsupported by you, say, “I’m sorry. I’m trying to fix it.”
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Talk to him or her about a better future. After discussing the past, it’s time for both of them to look to the future. If you want to mend your relationship, encourage your ex that things might be different this time around. [10] X Research Source
- If you want to suggest getting back together, say it tactfully, and remember that your ex has the right to say no.
- If you want your ex to speak first, let them decide when.
- Remember that a couple getting back together is a new beginning. Don’t repeat what once caused you two to break up!
Warning
- Think twice about whether you really want to get back into the relationship. If the two of you have broken up before, there must have been serious problems. Many couples get back together without fixing the underlying relationship problems and fail again!
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This article was co-written by Lisa Shield. Lisa Shield is a Los Angeles-based marriage and love expert. She holds a master’s degree in psychiatry and is a life-relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times and Cosmoppitan have written about Lisa.
There are 8 references cited in this article that you can see at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 5,253 times.
Have you and your lover just broken up, but in your heart you know that you still have a chance to heal? Try using the no-contact rule to get the person back. The idea of the no-contact rule is that, if you temporarily stop talking to your ex after the breakup, there’s a good chance they’ll miss you and want you back. It also gives you space to heal, so it doesn’t hurt if you want to give it a try! We’ll walk you through the steps to increase your chances of success.
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